Democratic Sentinel, Volume 4, Number 32, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 September 1880 — THE GRANGER’S STORY; [ARTICLE]

THE GRANGER’S STORY;

08, Three Elopements in One Night. BY ISAAC WALDRON. She was young, gentlemen, an’ she was sassy, an’ jest as full of solid sense as she was of fun—an’ she was full of fun within prescribed limits, as an egg is full of meat. She knew her mind, too, an’ could love like a woman when she was sot to it, as the story shows. There was no better nor likelier gal in this country, which she’s proved since, an’ the way she did up them two city lawyer stugents was fun, gentlemen, fun—thankee —lemme hev mine with jest a touch of lemon. Yes, she’s the gal that eloped with three fellers in one night, an’ as respectable a gal as you’ll find in the State to-day. Was she well behaved ? Well, you jest bet your life she was. Lively an’ bright when she was woke up, she was a most thunderin’ smart girl when it came to takin’ business charge of herself. She was as pretty as a pictur’ that’s jest ready to walk out of its frame. Her liar seemed to float all around her head, an’ when the wind blowed through it an’ the sun lightened it up, it looked like a gold mine—such as you read about. She was a fresh, wholesome lookin’ gal as ever was, with a bright eye that went through a man like a buzz saw through a pine log, an’ she had a ligger as round as a huckleberry, . an’ sweet as a butternut.

Why, I knowed her when she was only so high ; she was born an’ raised in this very town, an’ her money, a matter of about SIO,OOO, was left by her grandmother in trust with old Judge Willes, an’ he looked out for it too. The gal lived with her grandmother ’till she was 18, an’, Avhen the old lady died, she went over to her Aunt Hilton’s for three years ’till she got married, an’ they say she made it lively for them two women ; in her own demure-like an’ innocent sort o’ style, of course. Thankee ; yes, I smoke evenin’s sometimes. The way it commenced was something like this : You see, gentlemen, I got a partickler here and a partickler there ’till 1 got tho whole thing. Jennie—her name was Jennie Thomas then—hed lied a kind o’ sneakin’ .regard for Jed Billings, a smart young farmer, fairish off, but not over well-to-do at that time. They’d went to school together, an’ Jed, one day, hed hauled her outer the mill-pond. She’d fell into it in one of her wild scrapes a tryin’ to walk across the dam on a four-inch edge, an’, from what I lieered at the time, I guess that was the way the affair began between ’em. But someliow, she was kind o’ offish to Jed, yet that young farmer hed a good eddicashun —first-rate, and was known to be square—that is, square as square goes nowadays, when the golden rule appears to be to do unto others as others would do unto you, if they got the chance.

But whether it was that Jennie wanted to liev her little foolin’ afore she tied up, or whether she wanted to see if Jed really loved her, or whether she wanted to fool him an’ sow her female wild oats or what not, land only knows. As I said afore, liowsumever she was offish, an’ wouldn’t make no regular engagement, and right in the nick of the worry, them two lawyer stugents from the city arrived among our midst. You see, old Judge Parker had his son Sam an’ his newy Charley Gifford to eddicate, an’ he fixed ’em both up for lawyers, jest as if we warn’t over-stocked with them chaps, same as we be with army-worms ; an’ yit, gentlemen, we’re scarce on good hay-makers an’ farmin’ helji genrally, as you know. The nevvy, Charley Gifford, was a prime good feller as everybody’s aware of to-day. But Sam Parker was a perticklarly curious cuss an’ bid fair to turn out jest such a mean, cross-cut liglitnin’ calculator as his father was—which most of you know’d well enough, partickly when you had any affidavys to be done an’ the old man wanted his 25 cents in advance.

Well, as soon as them young sharps gradiwated an’ come home they both sot their eyes on Miss Jennie. Lor’ bless you, in the momin’ you’d see Sam a diivin’ her out to the pond in Parker’s old gig, an’ in the afternoon Charley’d be a takin’ her up Garden Drive in the same shaky but respectable winnicle. It looked a good deal like a dead race for Jennie’s SIO,OOO. Now Jennie’s aunt was dead down on Jed Billings,, because he was only a farmer, though even then, gentlemen, lie looked a blame sight more likely to make a big farmer than either o’ them other fellers did to make a big lawyer. Anyhow, Jennie’s aunt didn’t care much wl lich of the lawyers got her as long as Jed was kep’ out. But the cunnin’ old lady rather preferred Sem Parker, because he was sure to fiev his father’s practice, while Charley might hev to whistle a good while for a client. Then, too, Sam lied a way of flatterin’her up in city style, an’ Charley was too open and off-handed with her. It’s most generally the rascals that gets all the advantages; but not in the long run, boys, not in the long run. Yes, Jonas, same as before, thankee. Well, Sam an’ the old lady got atalkin’ one day an’ fixed things up between ’em. “Jennie don’t know her own mind,” said her aunty, “an’ it’s my opinion that whichever gits away with her first will git the prize, an’, Sam, you’d better do it. She’s a giddy young thing, an’ ’ll stick by the one as goes for her the heaviest. She’s morantic, an’ won’t marry in church noway; them kind never does till arter they gets married in a wagon by moonlight.” You see, gentlemen, she didn’t size Jennie up jest right. Things begun to thicken up pretty good, an’ one day Sam Parker, the lawyer’s son, thought it was about time to put up his little job on Charley and jjed arter his own style," as agreed .omjjyith the aunt. The strickly honorable didn’t run much in Sam’s family anynowv Sam’s plot was like this: He got Charley aside one momin’ an’ told him everythin’ was fixed, an’ he gmri* t& marry the gal that night. “ Now I know what you love her for,” said Sam, in his cool stvle ; “but I knqw

that for old friendship’s sake you'll give in to me, so the gal can be happy with the man she loves.” “ Hpw do you know she loves yon?” asks dharley, as gloomy as a dyin’ mud- *< This day,’’"says Honest Sam—which thev used to call him so because he was so tricky—“ this day she giv me her promise,” an’ he perjuced alock'of hair an’a ring with her name on. “Now, Charley, he continued, “ I tell you this, first, on account of our old, sweet friendship, an’, second, because I want you to help me by takin’ care o’ Jed Billings while I git away with the gal. He watches us like a weasel, an’ might Jestaleetle, Jonas, this time, thankee; make it hot. Well, as soon as it got dark, Sam hitched up an’ took Charley down near Jed’s farm to keep a watch on him, an’ then turned round an’ took the back road up to Jennie’s. The girl was considerably surprised foiv.Spm t<f ask her out ridin’ ou a dark nightman* no*'party or dancin’ to go to ; but she warn’t afraid o’ nothin’, an’ was alius full o’ lively curiosity about fun. So she made up her mind to see it out, most pemckly as her cunnin’ old aunt made believe she didn’t want her to go. Then the way Sam Parker put that old plug o’ his through to Eatonville was a caution. What was said kick up a fuss. If he tries to foder ali you’ve got to do is to pick a muss with him so’s to give us a chance.” “ I don’t see how that’s a-goin’ to pay me,” said Charley.

“H I marry her to-night,” said Sam, solemnly, “I shall take her to Boston to live, an’ you’ll step inter my practice here. ” So Charley said agreed, and so forth, but he knew Sam was deep, an kep’ askin’ himself why should Sam be afraid of Jed if he was really engaged to Jennie, pg he said ; an’ why should he run away, anyhow. So he kep’ on a puzzlin’y but couldn’t git it out. on the, way ain’t known, but it’s tolrable certain that man-yin’ warn’t spoken of till the two got to work eatin’ supper. Then Sam said how he loved her, an’ how this was an elopement, an’ tho parson was ready an’ all that. Theft ho goes down on his knees an’ pulls out the ring. Bat, in pullin’ out the ring, out come a long lock of hair, the same that Sam had been playin’ off on Charley for hern. “Oh, you dreadful, dreadful flirt!” hollers Jennie, makin’ b’leeve mad, and then she busts out into just the tallest laffin’ that’s been heard in the Adams House lor forty years. Then Sam pitches in an’ gits wild as to what he’ll do to her or say about her if she don’t marry him, an’ then the door opeus sudden, an’ who should bounce in but Charley ! You see, Charley had got tired awatcliin’ Jed ; so he concluded to hire a hoss and jest Idler Sam an’Jennie up, to see fpr himself how things was. He’d been a listenin’ at the door till Sam got ugly on Jennie,and then he see his chance an’ bounced in.

“My preserver! my preserver!” sereaoned out Jennie, an’ she goes over to Charley an’ he gits out with tho gal before Sam—who is a kind of a sneak, anyway—recovered from liis surprise. Well, they took Hid road to Starboro’ a fly in’; but it wasn’t ten minutes before they hears wheels behind ’em, an’ Charley cries: “That’s that rascal, Sum Parker !” So he puts on the gad an’ goes t arin’ over the road wuss than ever till lie brings up at the minister’s house in Starboro’, with his horse all afoumin’ an’ nigh dead. • Then they both got out of the wagon, an’ Jennie all of a sudden begins to cry. You see, she had enjoyed the fun all along like everything ; but at last it began to look serious even to a gal with her nerve. It was mighty late at night, an’ there she was a standin’ afore the minister’s house in Starboro’, fifteen miles from home, an’ with no more idea of marryin’ Charley Gifford than you or I hev this miuit of marryin’ Queen Victory, But Charley put on steam an’ talked away to her at a tremendous rate on account of Sam’s bein’ behind ’em. Then the gal got all broken up again in the narves, an’ while she was a-cryin’ and wringin’ her hands, the other wagon drew up. But the man that jumped out wasn’t Sam Parker. It was Jed Billings—Jed Billings, gentlemen, as good a feller as I ever met an’ the best man with a pitchfork in the two counties.

Then the gal straightened up an’ went right into Jed’s arms, as straight as a chipmunk slips into a holler tree. Of course this was war, an’, arter a lovin’ embrace, Jed lets her down on the minister’s steps an’ prepares to go for Charley. “ I’ll teach you, you young pettifogger,” said he, “to play tricks like these,” an’ he was a-haulin’ off in that dynamite style of his, when Jennie jest stepped up atwixt ’em. Now, gentlemen, I like the female element myself, as I suppose the hull on ye does, an’ I appreciate ’em as angels and peace-makers an’ all that; but it must be allowed that Jennie did ispile what would hev been the goljambdest fight that ever took place in Squigg county. Mind yer, the stakes were SIO,OOO, an’ Charley had a good deal of stand-by in him, if he was a fortune-hunter ; an’ as for Jed, everybody knows he’s got a hogsheadful o’ pluck alius on hand. It’s a shame, gentlemen, the mill didn’t come off; for, to this day, whenever a man gets a little hard cider in him about here he wrastles his tongue with somebody as to which would hev licked. But Jed an’ Charley only laffs about it dow, an’ wouldn’t muss for anything. Only a drop or two, Jonas —there, that’s about right. Where was I ? Oh, yes. Well, Jennie stepped atwixt ’em, an’ says : “It was all my fault, Jed—it was all my fault, an’ I only did it to see if you’d be jealous. I’m a cruel, hateful, wicked girl, an’ if you won’t fight, dear Jed, I’ll go into the minister’s with you now, provided you’ll git me home afore my aunt’s up in the mornin’, an’ then I’ll marry you in church as soon as I kin git ready proper. I love you, Jed, an’ if you love me you won’t want to do anythin’ to hev this business talked about ’till arterwards. ”

You can see, gentlemen, she was a level-headed gal arter all. Then she turns, as cool as a cowcurnber, to Charley, an’ she says : “I know why you an’ your friend wanted to git me." As it stands now, you tried to fool me an’ I had to return the compliment.” “An’ now Jed’s fooled you pretty good,” said Charley, laffin. Then they all got a-laffin, an’ Jed caved an’ Charley caved, an’ all went into the minister’s, Charley actin’ as witness. Jest as they came out, Sam drew up, with his boss lame in three legs. He looked pretty sour when Jed introduced Jennie as Mrs. Billings. Jennie was taken to her aunt’s a-flyin, an’ Charley followed at a two-mile-an-liour gait, with Sam’s horse hitched on Charley’s buggy to keep him up, an’ Sam walkin’ aside of him to jest stimmerlate him up, now and then. The lawyers made it all right between ’em on the way home, an’ in the mornin’ the old Judge found ’em both dead corned with some of his old Otard. Tbe perticlers didn’t leak out till long alter the church weddin’, and then there was some big fun over it, -Everybody knows now that Jed’s made tjjftt now stock-farm o’ his pay like baizes, an’ Jennie’s as quiet and stiddy hk the Mulbry town guide-post, an’ a good deal more charitable. When old Judge Parke» died, Sam Wok his practice, an’ then sold out to

Charley an’ went West. Charley has married a likely gal on the creek, for love, an’ is a-doin’ well. “But how was it?” asked one of the listeners, “ that Jed managed to be an hand in time?” It was this way, gentlemen, said the old granger, sipping his night-cap; Jed was a-fixin’ a leak in the roof of his barn, when Sam Parker drove up to the cross-roads that night, an’ he recognized the old gig. When it stopped an’ let Charley down an’ then went flyin’ up the back road, Jed thought somethin’ was up. So he crep’ alongside the stone wall, an’ before long he was a watchin’ Charley instead o’ Charley a-watchin’ him- Then, when Charley got sick of his job an’ then went down to the direction of the livery stable, Jed jest chucked his hoss in his buggy—an’ there ain’t no better piece o’ hoss-flesh between here an’ Greenfield—an’ follered him up. But Charley hed a good start; so Jed got to Eatonville about ten minutes arter the couple hed left for Starboro’. He got all the perticklers at Eatonville from the hostlers, and didn’t see Sam, who was up-stairs a-ponderin’ what to do. Then he set his hoss to steamin’ an’ he arriv’. Well, that hoss is old now, and no use ; but they say he winks at Jed, now an’ then, as much as to say ; “Ipulled you through on that SIO,OOO business ; eh, old man ?” Then Jed winks, an’ the hoss is satisfied. Jed wouldn’t take no money for him to-day. “Are Jed an’Jennie happy in their present connubial relations ?” furtively inquired the schoolmaster. Cam’t say, replied the old granger. You’re married, an’ you oughter know how it is yourself.