Democratic Sentinel, Volume 4, Number 25, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 July 1880 — WAIFS AND WHIMS. [ARTICLE]

WAIFS AND WHIMS.

Tuv. shades of night go about dewing good. Vert few hens lay at the point of death. The baby is musical ’ because he has arrived at the bandage. They dress expensively who go to the lawyer for their suits. Sparking across a garden fence admits of a good deal being said on both sides. After all, it’ was a girl, and not a boy who “stood on the burning deck”—it was Cassie B. Anca. A mechanic wants to know if the company for the making of artificial limbs is a joint stock one. Tint Boston Transcript has discovered that we meet a great many warm friends during the heated term. One man was threatening to whip another. “Well,” said the other, “a bull can whip a philosopher. ” An Illinois girl’s toast—" The young men of America—Their arms our support, our arms their reward; fall in, men, fall in.” An elderly maiden lady, hearing it remarked that matches are made in heaven, remarked that she didn’t care a cent how soon she went there. “An experienced cutter” is advertised for in the New York World. They doubtless want him to bobtail paragraphs for their humorous column. McFlannert heard a gentleman say of another that he had a too benign countenance, and remarked: “A 2be 9 countenance! Phwat a face, to be sure! ” An old lady says she never could imagine where all the Smiths came from until she saw, in a New England town, a large sign, “Smith Manufacturing Company.” A gentleman advertises that hia portrait (in oils) has been stolen. There is nothing remarkable about this, though, for every one is having his likeness taken nowadays. The word “dear” is one of the greatest inventions in the English language. Every married man can say “my dear wife” and no one can tell just exactly what he means. “In the sentence, ‘John strikes William,’ ” remarked a school teacher, “what is the object of strikes?” “Higher wages and less work,” promptly replied the intelligent youth. A Frenchman cannot pronounce “ship.” The word sounds “sheep” in his mouth. Seeing an iron-clad, he said to a boy. “Is dis a war sheep?” “No,” answered the boy, “it’s a ram.” Ip you get in a passion, my dear friend, don’t fly around and swear, and make all manner of foolish assertions. Just steal away and lie down in the sun a while. A soft tan, sir, turneth away wrath. A mother noticing her little daughter wipe her mouth with her dress sleeve, asked her what her handkerchief was for. Said the little one: “It is to shake at the ladies in the street. That is what papa does with his. ” When a Missouri grocer got up in a revival meeting and owned up that he had sold dollar tea out of the fifty-cent chest for over ten years, the brethren were eery backward about telling him that he vould hope for forgiveness. “Dashaway is a great reader, isn’t he?” asked Jones, the unsophisticated. “ Never heard that he was. Why do you ask?” Smith replied. “ Why, at the races, the other day, while the rest of us were enjoying the sport, he talked of nothing but his books.” “Oh !” “Mamma,” said a little girl, “as people get old does their hair grow quarrelsome?” “Why no, my child! What ever put such a notion in your head?” “I thought it must be so, ma, because I heard that old people’s hair is constantly falling out!” Major Moringcall— “Now, my dear Miss Lancytt, whilst I enjoy a little Maderia, favor me with your latest song.” Miss Lancytt—“Certainly, Major; my last is ‘Drink, Puppy, Drink.’” The Major fainted.