Democratic Sentinel, Volume 3, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 January 1880 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

QUIPS. “Shake,” as the medicine bottlo said to the invalid. A grave yard—Thirty-six inches of black crape. If time is really money, any man ought to be worth his wait in gold. If women had the ballot, wbat would she do with it? It isn’t long enough for a belt or big enough for a bustle. How rapidly a man loses all interest in politics and national finance when he shuts the door on his own thumb. Precocious boy (munching the fruit of the date tree) —“ Mamm.a if I eat dates enough will I grow up to bo an almanac!” Little Johnnie says: “ Talk about your patent base-burning stoves, my ma’s old slipper is a hot enough baseburner for me.” Will the coming man walk? If ho will he is liable to be murdered in cold blood on the first lap, amid cheers of the entire country. Note from the diary of a swell: “I have observed that my habits are very elastic in one direction; I suspect I could live up to almost any income.” “My darling,” said he, “what a delicious taste your lips have.” Then she sprang up and yelled: “ Goodness, John, have you been eating my lipsalve?”

Professor —“Now, I ask you, as a practical miner, what spade do you think is the very best?” Three-year man (scornfully)—“Why, tho ace, of course.” The Galveston News says that Shakspearo was married when ho was 18, Dante at 23, Brigham Young when he was 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 and so on. Governess —“ Now, Jack, if I were to give twelve pears to Maude, ten to Edith, and three to you, what would it be?” Jack (aged 6) —“It wouldn’t be fair.” A man who sat up four nights wrestling with it asKs this conundrum: “What is the difference between a sailor and a fireman?” Now, hold your breath. “One plows the water, and tho other hose the water.” The English nobility must ceriainly be a very dirty set of people. It is stated that the Duke of Portland has thirty farms on his hands, and Lord Willoughby has thirteen. Why don’t they wash themselves? A new use has been found for many a youth’s headpiece, tho utility of which has heretofore been questionable. It is discovered that young men’s heads jire primarily intended to keep their neckties from slipping off. A witness in a case at Nashville was asked whether he had much experience in and knew the cost of feeding cattle, and to give his estimate of the cost of feeding a cow, to which he replied: “My father before me kept a dairy. I have had a great deal of experienco in buying and selling and keeping cattle, as a man and boy, in the dairy business for fifty years. I think my long experience lias qualified me to know as well as any man can the cost of keeping and feeding cattle.” “Well,” broke in the attorney,impatiently, “tell me the cost of keeping a cow.” “Well, sir, my experience, after fifty years in the business, is that it costs —well, it depends entirely on how much you feed tho cow.”