Democratic Sentinel, Volume 3, Number 42, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 November 1879 — JEREMY GREEN. [ARTICLE]

JEREMY GREEN.

His Ail ventures in the City.

BY HATTIE E. S. CRESSY.

Jeremy Green left the potato field just a quarter before 12 by the sun, and went in to dinner. Instead of resorting to the “ weed” as a solace for weariness, he devoted his spare time to the Weekly Narrator, the only newspaper he ever took. As he was poring over its contents that eventful noon he all at once leaped about three feet in the air, and in his descent brought down his fist with such force on the table that he overturned a huge pan of soup that his mother had prepared for dinner, beside breaking a few dishes. “What is the boy about?” fairly thundered the father. He has spilt the soup, broke the blue platter, and, dear me, J don’t know what else 1” replied his mother in a calm, though vexed tone. Jeremy’s next sensation was that of an affectionate caress from the lash of an immense horse-whip. This was the first appeal for good behavior he had received from his pa in four or five years. For a moment he looked savagely at the old gentleman, and thought of his own superiority of strength, but soon quelled his pugilistic desires and sat down again to the Narrator, or rather to the advertisement that so elated him. It was a call for agents. Ten dollars a day guaranteed, etc. For particulars, Roy & Co., No. 8 Village avenue, A , N. Y., were to be consulted. Jeremy had always been confined to the farm, and, feeling tired of it, considered this a chance for him, so he resolved at once to give the business a trial. He planted potatoes all the afternoon, keeping one or two rows ahead of hie father, and milked the cows as usual that night, but the next morning before daylight, he was on the way to the city. About noon of the same day he entered the village of Smytheville, just twenty-five miles from home, feeling tired, hungry and a little disturbed in conscience. In this condition he called at Farmer Smythe’s, where he procured dinner and an invitation to remain until the following morning and rest himself. His father and Farmer Smythe once went to school together; Jeremy now profited bv it.--But we hardly think he would have tarried, so anxious was he to get to the city, only that Farmer Smythe had three very pretty girls. Heptalina, the oldest, was 18, just a year younger than himself, and so fast did their acquaintance progress that he became the owner of a card bearing her name and address before they parted. Jeremy stowed it away in his left vest pocket, feeling that the donor was, to say the least, an angel, and that he somehow or other had taken a leap into paradise. The remainder of his journey was passed in a kind of delightful trance, from which he did not thoroughly awake until he found himself in view of the city. Then his heart gave a great throb, for was he not soon to know his destiny? He never had been to the city before, and the sights were so new and startling that he was in a tremor of excitement by the time he reached the locality indicated in the

advertisement. He found the avenne a dirty one, No. 8 a dilapidated concern, and the woman at the door of very haggish appearance; but he summoned courage to inquire if a man was living there who employed agents. She replied that there was, and showed him into a small, shabbily-furnished apartment, where an oily-tongued old fellow informed him that the article to be canvassed for was a grease extractor of the greatest merit; he considered it the most marvelous discovery of the age, and the rapidity of its sale was unprecedented ; agents were making fortunes ; the article was put up in 50 cent bottles; he would be pleased to furnish Jeremy with a few dozen, appoint territory, etc. He charged agents half price, so their profits were enormous. * Jeremy told the old gentleman he would take but a dozen bottles, as he had not the means for a larger investment. The territory he would decide npon before he left. The old gentleman hinted to Jeremy that it might be as well for him to begin to canvass in some small country place, as he was, well, a little verdant. Jeremy’s temper rose slightly, but he made no reply, for who wants to be told he is “green,” even if he knows he is? . After hinting this, the oH gentleman left the room to get the bottles in readiness for Jeremy. He had no sooner gone than a girl of 12 or 13 entered the room by another door. Coming close to Jeremy, she whispered, “Are you going to be an agent for the grease extractor?” Jeremy replied that he was intending to be. “ Well, now; if you will never tell the old man nor woman, I’ll tell you where you can look through a keyhole and see him prepare it,” she said, adding that she knew he would not think it wroDg when he knew the cheat there was about it. She then directed him to the door where he could see the article prepared. In the fir'-.t place, the professor, as the girl sneeringly called him, took a bar of common bar soap, immersed it in a pail of water, shook the pail, and then filled, corked and sealed the bottle. “ That soap,” said the girl, “he buys in quantities of a soap maker in the country. It is good soap for washing clothes; but will no more remove grease spots than any other common soap. An agent never goes with it but once. But by advertising he makes fools of a good many, and considerable money out' of it.” “Do you tell everybody that comes the same you have me?” asked Jeremy. “ No, I don’t often get a chance,” she replied; “you see, the old woman just went out, or I should not have got in here. I mean to get away from them pretty soon, as soon as I can get another place. They both drink and abuse me shamefully.” Jeremy did not stop to hear more, but took his hat and ran into the street, went at such a. pace until be was out of sight of the house that a policeman on the coiner had a great notion of arresting him on suspicion of some crime.

He never beard what the professor of the grease-extr ctor thought of his conduct. Dear, good Jeremy; he felt he was too honest a fellow to peddle soapsuds at 50 cents a half-pint bottle, even if his dreams of wealth were all dispelled in a moment. He, of course, felt a pang of disappointment, and resolved to return home again, after making a tour of the city. So he wandered up and down the streets, looking into shop windows and up at the gold-lettered signs and placards, till sundown. Then he entered a bakery, invested 4 cents in biscuits, which h 6 speedily devoured, and inquired for a place where he would be apt to get a night’s lodging. A snappisn woman behind the counter advised him to go to the Montrose House, across the way. Proceeding thither, he stalked into the doorway, as he imagined a millionaire would, and asked the clerk, “ How much will aou ask to keep me here to-night V” A little, slick-haired, dandy-looking fellow, whom Jeremy already had his eyes on as a pickpocket, or somebody of about that stamp, stood by, saying, “Aw, how green,” etc. Jeremy stood it as long as he could, until the clerk told him his lodging would be 75 cents; then, turning upon the dandy a disdainlul look, offered to lick him for just 2 cents. The clerk immediately informed Jeremy that no fighting was allowed in the house, but if he wished to indulge in that recreation, he might as well go to the Porter House, just a block away. Suddenly taking the hint, Jeremy went as directed. Meeting at the door an object that he took either for the proprietor or a whis-ky-barrel, he abruptly inquired: “ Keep a fellow here to-night wlio is ready .to fight any city dandy who dares to insult him ?” “Well, yes; them’s just the kind. Here, Jim, show him to loom 26,” was the reply. In ten minutes Jeremy was in bed and asleep. Half an hour later he was awake, and bade fair to remain so. An attack from those venomous insects vulgarly termed bed-bugs required his wakeful attention. They were apparently so numerous that, unless hasty and vigilant means were resorted to, Jeremy felt he must be annihilated. Thus he fought in goed earnest. All night long the siege lasted. The slaughter was terrible. The number of the slain amounted to about 9,070, according to Jeremy’s estimate. The gory sheets were a sight to behold. Musing upon his conquest in the morning, Jeremy concluded he had well earned his night’s lodging. So he dressed himself, crept softly down the stairway, whisked out the door, and scampered down the street without settling his bill. About 10 o’clock, as he was sauntering up Arlington avenue, a heavy hand grasped his shoulder, a pair of handcuffs were thrust on his wrists, and a voice, loud enough to arouse the seven sleepers, exclaimed: “You are my prisoner.” “ Prisoners must be scarce,” replied Jeremy, “since a simple country lad like me cannot walk the streets without being arrested.” “Perhaps it is more of an offense than you think to leave a hotel without paying your bill,” the officer replied, marching Jeremy along to the lock-up. After reaching that vile abode, which appeared to be filled with profane, drunken wretches, poor Jeremy began to think his father’s potato field was a more becoming place for him. But he was compelled to remain thero until the next day, when he was taken to the Police Court. The case was the first on the docket, and to Jeremy’s great relief shortly disposed of. After a little parley by the lawyers, the prisoner was allowed to plead his own case, and the following was the sum and substance of his speech: “ Gentlemen, I suppose I committed a great mistake by net paying my bill at the Porter House. But when I relate the sufferings I endured that night, and you realize my hair-breadth escape, you must admit I am the aggrieved party. No soldier on the battle-field ever fought for his life as I fought for mine between the hours of 8 in the evening and 6 in the morning, utterly annihilating between nine and ten thousand of the longest-billed, ravenous insects,-which country people innocently call bed-bugs, that I ever encountered. Oh, it was a hard night’s work. I would rather have hoed potatoes three days (laughter), and I thought I earned my night’s lodging, and that the proprietor of the hotel would think I did him a great favor, So

I left the house as quietly as possible, feeling I had done my duty, hoping the next weary traveler, who occupied No. 26, would not meet with so hearty a reception as fell to me. Gentlemen, the affection those insects manifest for mankind is indeed marvelous, and I find in my case that their demonstrations are very exhausting to one’s vitality.” Everyone in the court-room was convulsed witjp laughter as the prisoner now sat down, apparently from sheer weariness, wiping his eyes with his coat sleeves. He was released by paying $1 and cost, which took the last penny he had. In a few hours he left the city, shaking the dust from his No. 11 bovinehide boots, convinced that the country was the place for him. The following night he slept in a barn twelve miles from the city, suffering much from the cravings of hunger, and was hotly pursued the next morning about daylight by the proprietress of the place, with an uplifted broom, and the fiercest imprecations. She allowed no tramps on her premises over night, and the next time he came that way he had better not call. Jeremy assured her he would not. We think he would haye been quite disheartened at the continuance of illlnck only that he was but a few miles from Farmer Smythe’s, a paradise he hoped to reach, even in his enfeebled condition, at noon, and he was not disappointed in his calculations. At 12 precisely, that day, he dined off a luscious dish of ham and eggs, with the Smythe family. To them he related the story of his adventures in the city, not even omitting the disagreeable details of his encounter at the Porter House, incarceration at the lockup, etc. ‘ Heptalina was more affected and interested at the recital than eitner of the others, and wept and laughed alternately, her sympathies all with Jeremy. “Well, Jeremy, you have found a good haven at Last. I will be glad to have you with me as long as you can content y ourselfj and will pay yon for helping me on the farm, my work being a little behindhand.” This Farmer Smythe said, patting his young friend on the shoulder in a very friendly way. Jeremy said he would remain a week or two and then return home, as no doubt his parents were anxious about him.. At the end of a month Jeremy started homeward, with his great heart overflowing with happiness. He and Heptalina had made a contract for life. Just one month from then she would become his bride. He was not long walking the twentyfive miles, and as soon as he was in sight of the old homestead his father and mother both hastened to meet him, and rain tears of love on his neck. Jeremy was reminded of the account given of the Prodigal Son, still was aware that their cases varied, as he had not wasted much in riotous living. Nor was the fatted calf killed, although the joy of those parents’ hearts was great at his return, for Jeremy had been a good, obedient boy, and was all their dependence. He could not gather courage, at first, to tell them of his engagement to Heptalina, but when he did he was told by them both that the old house should be enlarged, and that they would all live and die in the same place. Thus Jeremy resumed his labor ou the old farm, never leaving it again to secure an agency. After haying he brought home his bride, and all went “merry as a marriage bell.” Pittsfield, Mass.