Democratic Sentinel, Volume 3, Number 16, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 May 1879 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

A polite fish—A gent eel. A shirt-front is a thing to be stn dded. Playing with dice is shaky business. A mad dog is a pronounced instance of cur-rage. The successful farmer trusts a good deal to the fates—phosphates. Colors are fast when they don’t run, and run when they are not fast. A nice little boy calls himself Compass because he is boxed so often. A pair of ears that go on a head of civilization—Pioneers and frontiers. What is the best way to prevent the night from going too far? Put on the break of day? A good many men would have more than at present should they earn half that they yearn. When a gardener throws orange-skins on the side-walk, can he be said to be setting out slips. Coal dealers will be careful about sending you short weight if they think you will give it a weigh. Il is very dangerous to make up your judgment concerning a young lady’s weight by measuring her sighs. When a man marries through the medium of correspondence, it may be appropriately styled a pen’s ketch. A sewing-machine girl in Dubuque has eloped with a married elder of the church she attended. Woe, hemmer! A good horse, Rarus for instance, makes his mile in 2:15. We know a man who takes his smile much oftener than that. The Nihilists could never flourish in Chicago, as there are no nigh hills for them to rendezvous in.— Chicago Commercial Advertiser.

I want to be a coachman, And with the coachmen etand, And win the boes's daughter, And drive my four in hand. —CMxq/o Inter Ocean. How doth the little busy bird Improve each shining hour, And gather cotton and thread and feathers and pieces of cloth and straws and bits of cord and a whole lot of other things, all the day, To make its summer bower. —New lorl Mail. He was a Senior, and, as he fetched up at the bottom of those slippery steps, he ejaculated : “ Hell—(just then a professor came [gliding around the corner) is paved with good resolutions.” The professor smiled blandly, went to his room and gave that Senior ten. —A m hers t S tu dent. Instructor in German, after astonishing the division by the announcement that the German words for “heaven” and “shirt” have the same root—“ Mr. X., can you see any resemblance?” Mr. X., hesitating—“ Well, sir, they are both good things for a man to get into.”— Yale Record. A gentleman who once called at the rooms of Senator Sumner in Washington, was told by his young negro servant : “ Massa Sumner, he gone to de Senate to make him speech.” What speech! ” asked the gentleman, in surprise. “ Why, dat ar speech he’s been hollering out in bed ebery morning dese free weeks.” A couple of Canuck printers employed on a morning paper had lots of fun yesterday morning. Just for fun they kicked down a pile of oyster shells at the door of an Italian restaurant on State street, and, just for fun, a policeman who witnessed the malicious act made them come back and pile them up again, in the meantime standing over them with his baton. Knocking oysterbanks into “pi ” is played out, and both will hereafter be content with sticking type instead of oyster-shells.— Chicago Tribune. A DISSYLLABIC TRAGEDY. A fat Tom whined When that Buck rat And pined Tom cat Lived In For that Crawled in A bin. Buck rat, That bin Tom cat And grew For that Saw that Thin. too. Buck rat, Big fat One day The trap Buck rat; That way Let drap “Ah, me,” A man On that Said he, Once ran— ’Ere cat. “i’ll store Did slap He died His gore A trap Inside Within Right in The trap. My skin! ” That bin, Sad hap! But that For that But that Tom cat Buck rat Buck rat Could not Stole corn Stole corn Him spot. Each morn Next mom. —St. Louie Times-Journal.