Democratic Sentinel, Volume 3, Number 10, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 April 1879 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

A novel thing—A readable romance. Posted up—The elevated street wayPopular spring flower —Flour of sulphur. “We met by chants,” said the choir singer. The chiropodist sways the whole foot’s-tool. Deuteronomy as you’d have Onomy deuter you. A watch’s tick records time; a drum’s tick beats time. The man who sets a bad example hatches mischief. How natural it is for an “old seed ” to ask “What’s up?” Gone to seed— The farmer who wanders forth to plant corn. If attitudes were animated a dandy would never strike one. The most attractive five-cent counters are at the treasury, Washington. It is singular that the warmest part of a room should be where the frieze is. In the race for matrimony it isn’t always the girl that covers the most laps that wins. A change of Hart—Bob Hart, a negro minstrel, has been converted in New York. Wonder why Rowell was not engaged at some New York theater as “walking gentleman.” If a man really wants to know of how little importance he is, let him go with his wife to a dressmaker. A Kansas man who offered bail for a friend was asked by the Judge if he had any incumbrance on his farm. “Oh, yes,” said he—“my old woman.” The average female pedestrian could not hold up to"run a sewing machine a mile and a half in four days for any amount of money.— Chicago Herald. There is a lawyer down East so excessively honest that he puts all his flower-pots out overnight, so determined is he that everything shall have its dew. If Mr. Edison will only invent a process for making confectionery out of sugar and '5-cent-cigars out of tobacco, he will be entitled to niche 1, section A, Temple of Fame. Suppose that the wearing of colored stockings does poison and cause the death of hundreds of women. Are not second marriages often happy?—Detroit Free Press. When you see the announcement: “Women at the polls,” you may rest assured that woman has gone up head, and that man, like the prophet, has gone up bald-headed.

A lady told her little son, who was teasing for something to eat, to wait until breakfast. With a tear in his eye, he burst out: “ I jest honestly sometimes think you’re a stepmother! ” Mr. Ragsdale broke his engagement with a poor girl to marry a rich widow, and a jury compelled him to pay S9OO damages. “Well,” he said, as he handed the money, “I am still about $20,000 ahead by the change.” A Mr. Isaac V. Green, of Michigan, ran away with his wife’s aunt recently. In other words— He ran away with his spouse'* aunt, And never again was seen— Thus proving anew what a rare old plant Is the Michigan I. V. Green. —Atlanta Constitution. No first-class reporter will ever forget to add at the end of an unsuccessful burglary item that the fellows overlooked a box containing SI,OOO in cash. This always makes the burglars mad enough to shoot themselves.— Detroit Free Press.

A writer of the gentler sex says that “A womanly woman never gets jammed, crowded, or pushed,” and adds, “I am neither young nor pretty.” This explains it. No man cares to squeeze a woman who is neither young nor pretty. Let us have the experience of some of the young and pretty ones.— Norristown Herald. u I say, Sambo, does you know what makes de com grow so last when you put de manure on it?” “ No, I don’t, hardly, ’<eept it makes de ground stronger for de corn.” “ Now, I’ll jest tell ye. When de corn begins to smell de manure, it don’t like de ’fumery, so it hurries out ob de ground and gits up as high as possible, so as not to breathe de bad air. I think it was in September, if I now rightly remember, that I heard a knock, knocking at my door; yes, I know ’twas in September; he had been there about fifty times before; had been there knocking at my door. But I opened not, nor wondered, as upon my door he thundered, for he yelled: “Say, now, will you settle this ’ere bill I bring you ?” as he battered upon the door; and I answered, calmly answered, “Nevermore.” —Oil City Derrick.