Democratic Sentinel, Volume 3, Number 2, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 February 1879 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

Striking objects —Clocks. News of the weak—Hospital reports. People of settled convictions—Prisoners. The first duty on T—Don’t forget to cross it. Suitable dower for a widow—A widower. The article chiefly sold at most fancy fairs—The visitor. Men whose business drives them to the wall—Billposters. Talmage says smoking leads to drinking. So does the salt codfish. A West India hurricane is the ill wind that blows nobody good. The Hindoo widow is the only one that cremates —the other remates. When ought mariners to have fruit at sea? When they stem the currents. Beer may not make you fat, but an overdose will make you lean —up against something. Never step on a dog’s tail, unless the other end of the dog is a mile away from the tail. If you want to find out about the peculiarities of geese, consult the best natural hiss stories. What order of merit would the Queen remind you of if she were in bad humor? Victoria cross. Sherry is the name of a much-re-spected Lynn shoemaker. Probably the original Sherry, cobbler. When a man presents himself before a public audience, it often happens that his body is inclined to sink while his head swims. A clock is being exhibited at Paris which fires a shot every hour. Somebody says that its great practical utility is “to kill time.” Aunt Florence —“ And can you read yet, Ruth 0 ” Ruth—“l should think so, indeed! and I know geography, and history, and sums, and I’ve got two second teeth.” Many a man has been known to get rich by buying sixteen ounces to the pound, and selling twelve. It is a poor role won’t work both weighs, they think. The inhabitants of Madagascar are dying to get hold of an American shipCaptain who has sold them 10,000 quart cans of tomatoes as a new kind of gunpowder. A boy, at a recent examination in an • English school, was asked who discovered America. “I wish I may die,” says a British editor, “if he didn’t answer—- ‘ Yankee Doodle! ’ ” Sprightly young lady—“l am afraid I have a very large foot.” Polite shopman—“Large, miss! Oh dear no, miss’. We have lots of gents—that is, customers—with much larger, miss.” “Oh, yes,” she said, “ I’m very fond of little boys;” and, as she tripped on a string stretched across the pavement, she added: “ I feel as if I could eat a couple of ’em this minute, raw.” At St. Anne’s Sunday-school in Lowell, Mass.,in answer to the question : “What is the greatest church festival?” a little orphan, of 6 years, promptly responded, “ The strawberry festival.” “ His acts made him immortal, and he lives more than ever,” was the way the minister said it at the funeral; but the compositor got it, “ His acts made him immoral, and he lies worse than ever.” The editor of the Hackensack Republican went to call on his girl, when he saw on the steps a sign which said, “Beware of paint.” He went away sighing, “I never before knew that she painted.” Cynical swell—“ Enjoying yourself, I see, doctor; profiting by the opportunity.” Cynical doctor —“ What! among such a set of people? I’d have a more enjoyable opportunity of profiting myself if I were among my patients.” “Tom,” said a man to his friend, the other day, “I think it is highly dangerous to keep the bills of small banks on hand now-a-days.” “Tim,” answered the other, “I find it more difficult than dangerous.”