Democratic Sentinel, Volume 2, Number 50, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 January 1879 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

i See the conquering zero comes. Why is it people boot u dog and shoo 1 a hen ? I Music of the future - Promissory j notes. Hush money —The money paid to a ' baby’s nurse. Can the man who shreds cabbage be i arrested for cold-slawter? Never play euchre with a one-armed ‘ man. He always holds a “ lone hand,” j you know. Anybody can catch a cold now. The ■ trouble is to let go again, like the man j who caught the bear. , She re Alt has 360 wives. His affair with England, therefore, is only a ■ change of battlefield. I The general depression in trade ; seems to affect even the days—they are ' very short just now. i Money makes the marego, steam ! makes the cargo, and the sight of the j creditor makes the mango. “Constituency, thou art a jewel,” as ; the candidate remarked to the convenj tion that nominated him. The Washington Capital, which is ; authority on slang, says “Cheese it” is a I corruption of “Don’t give it a whey.” “It takes a follow who has been kicked off the front stoop by an irate I parent of his girl to tell the story of the i missile toe.” A mAN was boasting that he had au j elevator in his house. “So he has,"’ | chinned in his wife, “and he keeps it in the cupboard in a bottle.” . A man can live more economically I during this cold weather, for nothing I short of absolute necessity could induce ; a woman t,o get out of her warm bed in I the middle of one of these nights and rifle her husband’s trousers’ pockets.— luck. Mrs. Shoddy's views are iuterest- ! ing to those who are thinking about keeping a carriage. She says she has thought it all over, and come to the conelusion that brooches arc a’most too large, that these ’ere coupons are too shut up, but that a nice, stylish ponyphantom seems to be just the thing. A plain-spoken woman recently visi ited a married woman and said to her, ' “How do you manage to amuse yourself?” “Amuse,” said the other, “don’t you know that I have my housework to do?” “Yes,” was the answer, “I see that you have it to do, but, as it is never done, I conclude you must have some other way of passing your time.” “Have you seen ‘My Son?’” asked a • young lady of a young man the other evening at a social gathering. “Your 1 son?” exclaimed the youth. “Why! I I—l thought—you—you—y-o-u—” and he fainted. The usual restoratives were ! applied, and he was relieved when told that the lady had reference to the play ' of “My Son ” at one of the theaters. His face was wreathed with smiles as : he walked in and called for a schooner. The ger tieman at the bar placed one • foaming before him, and the stranger remarked in a kindly way, “Well, my dear friend, how stands the record of the year?” The gentleman grabbed the schooner aud said, “See here, you record 5 cents or skip.” The stranger turned upon his heel, and, casting his eyes upon him, said, in a melancholy tone, “Is it possible ? Has all the poetry I gone out of your life, too, and you so young?” Extract from an Irish letter: “That ; was a plazin’ Ghris'mas joke on Teddy Grady. He axed his feyther wud ould Nick fill any shtocking he hung up, no matther how big it was, an’ his feyther said, ‘Av coorse,’ an’ so he sthole wan of his feyther’s an’ hung it up, an’ whin Teddy kim down in the mornin’ he found the ould gintieman sittin’ plump up on the mantel piece, an’the shtockin’ ! well filled with his fut, an’ Teddy got ; the fill of the shtockin’ about forty- ■ Biven toimes roight in the slimall of his 1 back, an’ the nixt mornin’ he luked as if if he’d been sclapin’ in a nesht of porcupines.” ,

The Sweet Singer of Michigan will have to look to her laurels, as Mrs. Owens, who is at present in the Rochester (N. Y. 1 jail, is reaching for them in the following fashion: These Winter days the snow in blowing. See the slays and hear the bells. hear the Peoples laugh resounding While I am locked Within these docres. It is for the man I once did love and that I nare can love again, caused me to day a lonely girl to l>e confined in Monroe Jail. RHYMES WITHOUT REASON. An Empress said to an Ameer, “ I wished to bo friends with you. dear— But your love you’ve withheld. Hence I shall lie compelled To give you a licking severe.” A tomcat, with song to beguile him. On the fence of a deaf-mute asylum All night raised fell riot; But the inmates slept quiet. And he mourned sore 'cause he could not rile ’em. To a hotel walked a big And said to the affable clerk. “ Send four gross of toothpicks , To my room—Oil;" And the clerk turned s niaaiac stark. One Advantage. There is one good thing about this '• electric light. When a man’s collarI button gets away from him and starts i off on an exploring expedition across , the room, he can look under the bureau > for it without resorting to the dangerous and unsatisfactory expedient of lay- ; ing a glass kerosene lamp down on its side on the floor. That is, if the impression we have received is correct, I that the electric light makes all light 1 and no shadow.— Exchange.