Democratic Sentinel, Volume 2, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 January 1879 — Natural History—The Baby. [ARTICLE]

Natural History—The Baby.

“ What animal is this ? ” “ This is a baby. He is now about 3 years old, and at the wickedest point of his earthly career.” “ What countries does the baby most inhabit ? ” “ He can be found in every inhabited country on the globe, the same as mosquitoes and boils.” “ Can they be tamed ? ” “ Yes, quite easy. After a little judicious discipline they cease to struggle and become subservient to the will of man.” “ Does the baby eat grass ? ” “ Yes, or anything else. They swallow pocket-knives, thimbles, buttons, spools, or any other object a little smaller than a tea-cup. If offered milk they seldom refuse it.” “Do they graze during the day, or only at night ? ” “ They are always grazing, paying not the least heed to the hour. When not actually eating they generally give utterance to a peculiar cry. Strong men often jump out of bed at midnight in the coldest weather when hearing that cry.” “ What meaning is attached to this cry?” “ Men of deepest thought have agreed that it signifies to wake up the neighborhood and have some fun.” “Of what benefit to mankind is a domesticated baby?” “ They are of no earthly account for the first few years, but by and by they can slide down hill on a cellar door and carry articles out of the house and trade them for a wooden sword, or lose them in the grass.” “ Do you know of any instance where the baby has attacked the household and killed or injured any one?” “ Such instances have been related,by such eminent naturalists as George Francis Train and Texas Jack, but we don’t put much faith in them. However, if the baby was maliciously and persistently provoked, there’s no knowing what it might do.” “Are they a healthy animal? ” “No. On the contrary, no druggist could make enough profit in a year to buy him a pair of Arctic overshoes but for the presence of a baby in every household. There is hardly an hour in the day that the baby does not demand peppermint, paregoric, ipicac or something else costing money.” “ What machinery is made use of to compel the baby to take a dose of castor oil ? ” “ There are several patent machines for the purpose, but most people follow the old rule of knocking him senseless, and getting the dose into his mouth before he recovers.” “Is the bald-headed baby more domestic than others ? ” “Not a bit. He kicks around after the same fashion, and has even a worse time fighting flies and mosquitoes.” “ What music do they seem to prefer ? ” “ A base drum is their first choice, but they have a heavy leaning toward the sound of the stove-handle knocking the nose off the pitcher with the emptings in it.” This is all about the baby. Take another look at him, for next week we shall write of some other reptile.—Detroit Free Press. More timber is used under ground in the Oomstock lode than has been employed in the-consfruotion of San Francisco/ •“