Democratic Sentinel, Volume 2, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 January 1879 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

A snow’ plow’ is no plow when there is no snow. A hotel bill miy well be called inndebtedness. The demand of the hour is a burglarproof grave. Motto for a candy pull—What are yer givin’ us—taffy? A clear case of body-snatching—A dog stealing sausage. Why is an enraged snake like the letter H ? Because it is an asp-irate. Hens are said to-day their eggs in the day-time because at night they are roosters. “The Sioux are not contagious,” said an old frontiersman. “ What do you mean?” asked a by-stander. “ I mean that they are hard to catch,” was the plyA mule’s head does not contain a brain capable of culture and refined rearing, but it is wonderful to what an extent the. other end of him can be reared.— New York Mail. Strange, isn’t it? Smoke a good cigar and you will never hear a word about it; but light one of those four-for-ten-cents, and every body within 100 yards will talk about it. We have known a lady who was so delicate she could rarely walk more than a hundred yards without complain- • ing, who would rim up a tremendous bill (the compositor is requested not to set this word hill) without taking a breath. A Chicago publisher has issued a book entitled “How to Become Plump.” The old way, you remember, was to lean out of a third-story window and come down plump. The new method is less dangerous, but not so certain. A lady entered a shop lately and requested to see some lavender kid gloves, whereupon she was shown several different shades of that color. Being a little overcome with so great a variety, she asked: “ Which of those pairs is the lavenderest ? ”

A very diminutive specimen of a man lately solicited the hand of a fine, buxom girl. “Oh, no!” said the fair but insulting lady, “I can’t think of it for a moment. The fact is, John, you are a little too big for a cradle, and a little too small to go to church with.” A country surgeon, who was bald, was on a visit to a friend’s house, whose servant wore a wig. After bantering him a considerable time, the doctor said: “You see how bald I am, and yet I don’t wear a wig.” “True, sir,” replied the servant, “but an empty barn requires no thatch.” Mr. Spurgeon is credited with this design on hubby’s happiness: “ When I am marrying young couples I generally tell the young lady to let her husband be the head, for that is according to scripture and nature; but I always advise her to be the neck, and twist him round which way she likes.” Said I to my wife, “ My dear, Ton my life. You look gloomy and sad thin fine morning.” “So would you,” said my wife, “if you’d gone through'my strife With a cook who’d just had a month's warning.” “ There's a way. my sweet Maud, to be rid of such elves; Let us live upon chops—and we'll cook ’em ourselves.” “ Yes, that’s all very fine,” she replied, “my dear hub, For. when sick of fried chops, why—you’ll dine at your club.”

Some one has suggested that if the inventor of the phonograph would bring out a little machine, to be attached to the door, which would say, when landlord called for the rent: “Come again next month,” it would have a good sale. So it would; and, if he wanted a name for it, he might call it the postponograph. First small boy—“ Hullo, Jim! I’ve got a two-bladed knife and a book full o’ picters.” Second S. B.—“ Pooh 1 That’s nothing. I’ve got a four-blader and two books and a bully sled and a pair o’ skates and—” First S. B.— “ Look a-here, you Jim Smikins, my pa can lick your pa, and, durn ye, I can lick you. Yer’d better don’t be blowin’ round me, ole feller.”— Boston Transcript.