Democratic Sentinel, Volume 2, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 January 1879 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

A pair of drawers —Two dentists. Partridges are among the things that whirr. Babies were the original discoverers of the milky-way. The kid-glove duty—To smuggle as many as you can. You cannot mend your ways with the thread of a discourse. Is a man careful of his provisions when he bolts his food ? “ I will drop the subject,” he said ; and he let fall the “ stiff.” The man tVhose cut couldn’t bo returned —The headsman’s. I dearly love my sweet art, said the enthusiastic confectioner. When at prayer, some people kneel, because it is a knees-y position. How many women fancy they are thinking when they are only reflecting? What is sweeter than a sugar-house? Why, a young ladies’ seminary when' it is full of ’lasses. My brother-in-law wants to know whether Gabriel’s trump is the right bower or the joker.— Chat. There is a man in Washington the most powerful in the country. He carries a horse scar on his cheek. Tailors are the only people from whom you can obtain a reliable list of our “promising” young men. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, if you have a clear conscience, last season’s overcoat and a mouth’s credit at a coalyard. All the signers of the Declaration of Independence signed their names with quill pens except one—he signed his Witherspoon. The age of economy has been reached in Foxboro, Mass., where a woman stopped a clock from rurfhing because it would wear out too fast. “Well,” said an old bachelor, when he found a basketful of baby on his front steps, “some men are born babies, some achieve babies, and some have babies thrust upon them.” Better it is to sit on a barrel at the corner grocery with contentment than to repose in the most luxurious easychair adorned with a tidy in the. house of the order-loving woman. “And you are really going to marry again, after losing that dear husband of yours—and you so young and pretty, yet!” “My love, it’s simply out of respect for the memory of the late. This is a scandalous world! ” The man who waits to get three cats in line before he shoots will some day find the poor-house waiting for him. It is the man who peppers away at cats whenever chance offers who will Jay up ducats for old age.— Detroit Free Press. A Western poet, w’ho deprecates the advances made by science over romance, writes that electricity may be conquering, but that moonlight itself is superior to gas. Ha, yes: but then, my boy, you can’t metre by moonlight alone.

A liquor-dealer applied to a customer for a letter of recommendaticn of a certain brand of whisky he had already sold him. The customer wrote: “I have tried all sorts of insect poison, and find none equal to your Old Cabinet whisky.” The New York Express is determined to tell the truth though the heavens fall. It says: “It isn’t overwork that’s ruining the young men of this great city by any means. No, it's waiting on the street corner for somebody to invite them into the nearest saloon.” Did the prophet Isaiah ever eat at a railroad station ? It certainly looks so, for how could he have described it so literally if he had not? “And he shall snatch on the right hand and be hungry, and he shall eat on the left hand and shall not be satisfied.” How women change their minds respecting their husbands! Mrs. Jinks was forever telling her husband that he wasn’t worth the salt in his bread. But when the poor man got killed in a railway smash-up, the fond widow sued the company for $5,000 damages. A little shaver, going on an errand, met an acquaintance, to whom he propounded the following conundrum: “ Why am I like a penny? ” The other fellow gave it up. “I am like a penny,” said the little man, “ because I am one sent.” And he went his way.— Chicago Tribune. “ I’m a tough cuss from Bitter Creek,” is the expression employed by the plains desperado to inform everybody that he is “on the fight.” Further east the corresponding member of society says: ‘ I’m a wolf, and this is my time to howl.” In Kentucky he says: “ I’m a yard wide, and all wool.” “What shall I leave you when I die ? ” said an insipid fellow to a young lady whose patience he had nearly exhausted. “Needn’t wait till you die,” said she; “you can leave something now,if you will.” “ What shall I leave? ” he asked. “ Leave yourself,” she replied. He left.— Chicago Tribune. The, little folks wanted the head of the ‘family to spend the evening with them. Father said he thought of attending a meeting. Various measures were discussed for keeping father at home, when Tommy, aged 5, addressed his brother, aged 7, as follows: “I tell you what we’ll do. We’ll put a sign on the front door- ‘No admittance to go out es this house nights.’ ”