Democratic Sentinel, Volume 2, Number 44, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 December 1878 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

Hang up your stocking. A scratch race —Hens. A close calculation —The tailor’s. A fixture —A repaired wash-pitcher. Suspending business The hangman’s. A lean lover may still be a man of great sighs. Heap on more wood! The wind is cliill; But, let it whistle as it will, We’ll keep our Christmas merry still. Economy is wealth. Even the stovepipe is coming out with its last winter’s soot. “ I don’t like winter,” said one pickpocket to another. “ Everybody lias his hands in his pockets.” What did Delaware when George Washington crossed over her.— Boston Post. An ice dress, to be sure. Ypsilanti,' Mich., is one of the few of the immortal American towns that can’t poke fun at the Afghanistan war names. —Oil City Derrick. A Kentucky editor says that in one week he was addressed as “ Governor, “General,” “Colonel,” “Major,” “Parson’’and “ Old Hoss.” a conundrum. Why is it men will scorn a maid Of thirty-two or so; But, if in crape or cap arrayed, Pronounce her comme ilfaut f The Grecian navy is composed entirely of tug-boats. This is historical. “When Greeks joined Greeks, then was the tug of war.” — Boston Transcript. William Augustus to sleepy roommate—“ Come, John Henry,why don’t you get up with the lark, as Ido?” John Henry, grimly—“ Been up with him all night.” . “ Doctor, my daughter seems to be going blind, and sbe’s just getting ready for her wedding, too! Oh, dear me! what is to be done? ” “ Let her go right on with the wedding, madam, by all means. If anything can open her eyes, marriage will.” “Beggars can’t be choosers,” says an old adage. We take notice that a beggar got into the hall the other day, and chose from the hat-rack forthwith three hats, one umbrella, and our best sealskin overcoat. This knocks the sawdust out of that adage.— Exchange. If Edison will turn in now and invent some kind of a calcium light that will light up all the street except front gates, and leave them in a somber shadow that will prevent an old man in an upper bedroom window from telling whether two people are close together or wide apart, it will do. Otherwise it will be exceedingly unpopular. “What !” said a young lady to a sister companion, “you are not going to marry that tall, lean, slender, consumptivestricken fellow, are you?” “ Yes, she is,” volunteered the young lady’s little brother, looking up from his broken cartwheel ; “ she’s going to marry him and use him for a carpet-stretcher!” The boy and the cart-wheel passed out through the same door. A CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Christmas is soon to be with us, And I have been racking my brain For something’to give to my husband. I have it! A gold watch and chain; A ring with a set of real diamonds; Slippers, and dozens of socks, Embroidered with everything pretty; Handkerchiefs, too, by the box; Books by his favorite authors; A gold-headed cane On consulting my purse I discover That a necktie must answer his need; So I’ll give it to him, and say, “ Dearest, For the rest take the will for the deed."