Democratic Sentinel, Volume 2, Number 42, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 November 1878 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

A timid Bostonian Las married a young lady whose weight verges closely upon 200 pounds. “My dear,” said he to her, “ shall I help you over the fence.” “No,” says she to him, “help the fence.” An aristocratic papa, on being requested by a rich and vulgar young fellow for permission to marry “ one of the girls,” gave this rather crushing reply; “ Certainly; which would you prefer, the waitress or tlio cook ?” A little boy, weeping most piteously, was intermitted by some unusual occurrence. He hushed his cries for a moment ; the thought was broken. “ Mu,” said he, resuming his snuffie, “ wlmt whs I crying about just now?” It is the guilty accomplice on tlieltochester Express who says; Immortal Stewart, dead and turned to clay, A tramp may carry in a hag away! <)! that tlie earth that kept New York In awe Should mar a wall and stain a robber’s paw! A physician, finding a lady reading “Twelfth Night,” said: “When Shakspeare wrote about patience on a monument did he mean doctors’ patients?” “No,” she answered, “you don’t find them on monuments, but under them.” Hk jumped on board the railroad train, And cried: ‘'Farewell, Lucinda Jane, My precious, sweet Lucinda!” Alas! how soon he changed his cry, And, while the tear stood in his eye, Ho said: “Confound loose cinder I”

Pedestrian (to rustic)—“How is it, I wonder ? You work hard, live plainly, and get stout; while I—” Rustic—-“No use o’ talkin’, sir; it lays i’ the breed. A toadstool’s a toadstool, and you can’t make a mushroom out’n it. Naver!”— Funny Folks. A full-bearded grandfather recently had his beard shaved off, showing a clean face for the first time for a number of years. At the dinner table his 3-year-old granddaughter noticed it, gazed long with wondering eye, and finally ejaculated, “Grandfather, whose head you got on ?” An exchange prints fourteen rules for spoiling a child—and the quickest and most certain rule is omitted. If you want to spoil a child, give the youngster a didn’t-know-it-was-loaded pistol to play with. It goes right to the spot, and no postponement on account of the weather. “Good night, sweet art, good night,” sang a level-headed youth, as he slammed the front gate and paced off down the street. Then he took out his handkerchief to rub the rouge off the tip end of his nose, and wondered how much pearl powder cost a pound when purchased in large quantities. Visitor (from the country, at the door of an up-town residence, to a German next door) —“Jane not at home, did you say ?” German—“Nein, Chane’s nod at home.” Visitor—“ Where is she?” German—“ She’s gone der cemetery down.” Visitor—“ When will she comeback?” German —“Oh, she von’t come back already any more; she’s gone to stay;she’s det.” — Harper's Weekly. The ways of the merchant tailor are mysterious and past finding out. He buildeth an overcoat for a narrowchested youth, and behold, a rear view of the young man convinces you he is Hercules in disguise, but upon closer inspection you conclude it’s nothing but cotton stuck in the shoulders of his coat, and you could lick him if he was twice as big.— Elmira Gazette. ARAB AND ROMAN. 2 loverH nat beneath the nhade. And 1 un2 the other Hayed, “How 14 8 that you belt Hath Hiniled upon this suit of millet If 5 a heart, it palps 4 you— Thy voice is intifi melody. Tis? to be thy loved 1. 2 Sa. Oy nymph, wilt marry me!” Then lisped she, “ Why, 131yV” — tit. Imuld journal. “Dear M. no love that tongue can tell,” Said he, “my own love can XL, No CD lover here you C, For IV medical decree: No fell DCC my skill defies. The elbow joint I can XII; Sweet A rab maid, your II in me Your own D voted M. D. C'.: Then fly with me to distant Texas, Your own devoted, loved LXX! ” —Burlinylon Hawk-Eye.