Democratic Sentinel, Volume 2, Number 41, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 November 1878 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

Grate results — Cinders. Lie-abilities large — Anderson's. Fine day—Monday morning at the Police Court. A loan woman —One who has money out at interest. A private tooter —A recruit who plays the trombone. How to make a noise in the world— Strike for a blacksmith. Of course when a heavy shock comes tho Bank of Glasgow’s to pieces. The editor who was “ pained to announce ” took a couple of drams more and felt better. The last Irish bull is: “If I lived with such a disagreeable woman, she would always be alone.” It is not a misfortune for a young lady to lose her good name if a young man gives her a be iter one. It would sees' that we have about got down to a ird-money basis. At least it’s allfired hard to get hold of. Most young men are on the lookout for good openings, and yet they don’t like for the old man to thow them the door. What an effect climate has on natural development! In California they make alcohol out of beets. Here we make beats out of alcohol. “ When a man’s chin-whiskers turn gray before the hair on his head does it shows what part of him lias done the most work,” observes a philosophical exchange. “Will this answer, doctor?” asked the surgeon’s assistant, producing an instrument from the case. Pointing to his fair patient, the doctor replied: “Of course it’ll lance’er.” And it did. Judging from accounts, a less number than usual of aristocratic loafers and titled dead beats have succeeded in effecting marriage engagements with wealthy American girls this season. The Danbury Neics is full of new ideas. Witness this: “A ball of hair weighing nearly a pound was taken from the stomach of a calf in Bridgeport. What a butter cow she would have been!” How to put jellies away so they will not mold—Why, leave the store-room door open Saturday afternoon, and if there are any children in the house they’ll solve that problem in five minutes for you. As the horses came tearing down the home stretch, the one in the rear was steadily gaining on his antagonist. Cries Pat, in his excitement, “Five dollars that the hind horse comes in first! ” Tho bet was taken, and Pat lost, though his favorite won.— Boston Transcript. The melancholy (lays have come. When, as the bachelor hides his snout, Alone beneath the bedclothes, says, “This thing is about played out”— Likewise the sorrowing widower, Though he prefers a quiet life. For to build the fire and warm the bod, He wishes he had a wife. 7’he poor, oppressed family man Must surely be a stoic, To get up these cold and frosty nights For castor oil or paregoric. — VbcrhanQ*. He rushed out from her at the Grand the other night, and came back in a few moments with the remark that there was a fire up the street. “ Yes,” she replied, “ I think a whisky store must be burning down, and you swallowed some of the smoke.” He yanked a caramel into the off corner of his mouth, and became absorbed in the bill.— Breakfast Table. A FALL-OPENING TRAGEDY. Before a brilliant window full A wretched father stood. And gazed at silks, and lacc aud tulle, In fierce, despairing mood, And beat his breast and muttered “tool," And shook his fists quite rude, For there, within that gorgeous store. He saw his daughters three. Before a counter bending o’er, With heaped-up flneree, Keeping the clerks—perhaps a score— As busy as could bo. That father smiled a fiendish grin, Then turned and fled away; Back home again he ne’er has been — Those bills he didn’t pay; And his three daughters now take in Plain sewing by the day.