Democratic Sentinel, Volume 2, Number 40, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 November 1878 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

Late music—Over-due notes. No quarter —A 20-cent piece. The first ruin of terror was the deluge. A wide-spread evil — A big umbrella in a crowd. Every dog lias its day, but the nights belong to the cats. Bulgaria asks for a ruler. The schoolmaster should go abroad. When a hatter fits a cap to your cranium he cap sizes you, doesn’t lie ? Burned at the steak—The fingers of the hired girl who was cooking it. “Into the chaws of death,” said the man who fell among the teeth of a buzzsaw. Economy is wealth —Even the stovepipe is coming out with its last winter’s soot. A chicken’s crop never bothers the average agriculturalist. It’s the yield of wheat that interests him. “ I never,” said Voltaire, “ was ruined but twice; once when I gained a lawsuit, and once when I lost one.” “ I’ll take another yard of that binding, if you please,” said a woman to a counter-jumper. “ Beg pardon,” said the clerk, “ but I understood you five yards.” “ That’s right,” replied the customer, “ but another yard will make it more binding.” America may grow, enlarge and expand until its emblematic bird is able to perch itself on the highest point reached by the most sublime imagination, but her sons will never be weaned from the habit of spitting on their bait, if they expect to cateh any sish — Fulton Times. “ Doctor,” said a lady, “ I want you to prescribe for me.” “ Tliei’e is nothing the matter, madam,” said the doctor, after feeling her pulse; “you only need rest.” “ Now, doctor, just look at my tongue,” she persisted. “Just look at it—look at it! Now, say, what does that need? ” “ I think that needs rest, too,” replied the doctor. One afternoon, while a tight-rope walker was going through his performance, a boy about 12 years old turned to an acquaintance of the same age and remarked, “Tom, don’t you wish you could do that? ” “Yes, I do,” sadly replied Tom, “but my folks make me go to school, and are determined that I shan’t never be anybody! ” “ Ever since,” said Mr. Smiley, at the breakfast table this morning, “ ever since that little fellow, Jimmy Puck, put a griddle cake round the earth —and it only took him forty minutes to do it— I have always held that a buckwheat flap-jack, with a little sprinkling of honey, was fit food for a fairy. Hannah, pass us a hot one.”—-New Haven Register.

“ Suppose you were out in a jungle somewhere,” said Strobel to Billikins, Avhile walking through the Zoo, “ and should see a tiger come charging down upon you, Avitli fur up and mouth open, what would be your first thought?” “ Well, I rather think,” replied Mr. 8., “ that for about ttvo seconds I : <1 conclude Marthy Ann’s mother had just got back from her trip to camp-meeting. It Avould be a comfort, though, when 1 found out I’d been mistaken about it.’ —Cincinnati Breakfast Table.