Democratic Sentinel, Volume 2, Number 38, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 November 1878 — Not a Good Witness. [ARTICLE]

Not a Good Witness.

A lawyer -who was defending a case of assault and battery in the Police Court, the other day, was given to understand that he could secure a valuable witness in the person of a woman near where the “ battery ” had occurred, and he therefore made a call at the house and requested her to detail all the circumstances. “Well, sir,” she began, “ I sat x-ight here, holding this ’ere baby on my lap, and I was singing, ‘ Darling, I Am Growing Old.’ The baby he was squalling great guns, my boy William was making up faces at hisself in the glass, and the man what owns the house was trying to get in to tell us that if we didn’t pay up we’d be bounced.” “ Yes,” remarked the lawyer. “ Well, sir, all of a sudden I heard a rumpus on the street, and I pitched this ’ere young ’un on the bed, give William a cuff on the ear, and ran to the winder. Sech a sight as I seed, sir!” “ Describe it, madam—describe the affair just as you saw it.” “ Well, sir, there was Mrs. Perkins, who never had half the husbands nor eddecashxxn I’ve had, sailing right by my door with a calico train four feet long, and never as much as looking at my house, though I lent her a summer squash and two onions only last night at dark.” “And the fight?” queried the lawyer, “ Was thexe a fight, sir? If there was I’m not to blame, sir. I did think at first I’d go out and put a new eyebrow on the old jada for putting on style over her betters, but William he got the tack hammer fast in his mouth just then, the baby kicked hisself off the bed, and she sailed out of sight around the corner. I’m an innocent woman, sir, and if I’m taken up I’ll sue for damages—the worst kind of damages, sir!” —Detroit Free Pi'ess. Thk death is announced, in Australia, of Edward Henty, aged 68 years, the earliest of the three founders of the colony of Victoria. He landed at Portland bay in November, 1834, with his brother, and the two were the very first founders of the now wealthy colony. The English army authorities are ordering Spanish mules for their batteries.