Democratic Sentinel, Volume 2, Number 24, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 July 1878 — The United States Fearfully Cut Up. [ARTICLE]

The United States Fearfully Cut Up.

I met him in the cars on my way from Albany. He was* pleasant looking old man, and his better half sat beside him. The car was as full as an election-day politician, and I was compelled to take a seat immediately in front of the happy couple. There was something about him, however, that made me feel sorry right away. He had more talk in him ■ than a schoolboy’s bead has of some'wing else, and I hadn’t fairly settled Ik-fore he began to unload some of it: “ Nice day!” “Beautiful I” “ Fearful road.” “ Fearful.” Here was a small opening for him, and he got the wedge in. Oh! if I’d only made believe I was deaf and dumb ! “ I’ve traveled all over this country, and never saw worse roads in all my life. Why, the road over the Rocky mountains ain’t half so rough.” “Summit better,” I responded. He looked at his companion, whom he called Minnie, winked, and said : “Funny man! Wonder who ’tis. Looks like Mark Twain—”

Then he paused, and, just as I was bracing up and endeavoring to put on a Twainish look, he continued by saying : “ Around the feet.” This made me mad, “ You’ve been all over the United States, have you ? Then of course yon New York. How is he getting along ?” “Oh! he Kentucky way as much whisky as ever. ” “Much Florida, in consequence, I suppose,” I suggested. “ Utah thought so if you’d seen him when I did—” Here the passengers began to look worried, and one of them asked the conductor how far it was to the next station. Another ventured that maybe we weren’t going far. “ Yes,” continued the old party, ‘‘ he tried to make love to Minnie when I saw him last.” “Arizona foolin’,” blushingly remarked the old woman. “Minnesota liked it, didn’t she?” I asked and gave Lima look that intimated that I guessed that would settle it. “You mustn’t call her Minnie. It makes her mad. She’d have Georgia if H . l !? a heard you. She Kansas back “If it Illinois her, of course I’ll refrain,” I answered. Here one of the passengers was carried out to the rear platform, and ninetenths of the others were tearing the lining out of their coats for wadding to put in their ears.

“Perhaps lowa an apology,” I continued. “No, I guess not,” he said, without moving an eyelash. “It Texas English people to understand folks. I don’t a Montana thing, Tennessee sary.” I felt for my pistol. At this moment the cars stopped at a station, and most of the passengers got out and waited for the next train. The majority had their heads tied up. I was determined to fight it out to th e bitter end, if it took every State in the Union. As the train moved out of that station, the conductor came up and asked me to kec-p still, for God’s sake. He said the wheels were getting weak, and the coal had refused to burn. The passengers had all departed to the other cars, with the exception of six. I here looked determined. They were not over pale. I was satisfied to give it up if he was. Just as I had made up my mind that the whole thing was settled : “Ohio!” yawned the fiend, “I’m getting tired of this journey. ” I think it has been very pleasant. Wouldn’t Michigan for SIOO. Jersey?” Without noticing the last query he said: “ Hope we’ll meet again. I Nevada pleasanter time. Hope I Maine never have a worse.”

At this point one of the passengers fell off his seat. He died in a few minutes. Before the conductor could get to the water tank another one had breathed his last. Two of the remaining ones were staring at each other, and it was found that they had both gone crazy. The remaining two were deaf and dumb. I grasped my valise as the train reached Jersey City, and started for the boat. As I was passing out of the door the fiend yelled after me. “ Yes, I New York and Jersey and New Hampshire, I’ve Rhode Island, Connecticut, Idaho-le lot of land in Colorado. I Missis” * * * The doctor says I shall be better in a week or so.