Democratic Sentinel, Volume 1, Number 46, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 December 1877 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

Men who have made their mark— Those who can’t write. A man with a false set o’ teeth does not necessarily have a falsetto voioe. The Philistines are not the only people on record who were jawed to death. Woe to the inexperienced little fish who goes out to enjoy himself on his own hook. When is a bald-headed man apt to be reminded of his youthful days ? When he thinks of his top. “No, ma’am,” said a grocer to an applicant for credit, “I wouldn’t even trust my own feelings. ” Two oystebs in a gallon of lukewarm fluid at a church fair are no longer called stews, but aquariums. Bbown says he has been so often deceived in the chicken he gets at his boarding-house that lie now calls it the mocking bird. A thin person may succeed as a lecturer, but when a fat man gets through speaking and sits down, he always leaves a deeper impression. A woman suggests that when a man breaks his heart it is the same as when a lobster breaks one of his claws ; another grows immediately. Pbobably one of the most trying times in a man’s life is when he introduces his second wife, 17 years old, to his eldest daughter, who is past 20. Pbofessob—“ In one evening I counted twenty-seven meteors sitting on my piazza.” Class expresses great astonishment at the sociable character of the heavenly bodies. “ A man who’ll maliciously set fire to a shed,” said Mr. Slow, “ and bum up twenty cows, ought to be kicked to death by a donkey, and I’d like to do it myself.” Slow is very severe sometimes.

“ What will the Indians do with their money when they get home ?” inquires the Graphic. They won’t get homo with it, stupid. Do you suppose the noble white man is entirely dead?— Rochester Democrat. He wouldn’t swear to it.—A witness, on entering the box had a Testament presented to him, but he declined to bo •worn. Being asked his reasons for refusing, he naively replied : “I’ll tell a lie wi’ ony mon i’ England, but I’ll not swear to it.” Now come the days when the sturdy farmer dumps a load of dirt into some mull-hole in the highway, yells, “ Haw, Buck!” at his off ox, pricks the nigh one with a bradawl; and goes home under the impression that he has worked oat his road tax in full.— Puck. A young man hired as a clerk was told by his employer that all the clerks slept at the house, and that it was closed punctually at 10 every night. “O, don’t apologize!” said the youth. “ I don’t care what time it’s closed, if it’s only opened early enough in the morning.” A shipwrecked Irish sailor was narrating how he and his companions had floated about at sea for twenty days in an open boat. “ And what did you do for food, Pat, when the provisions gave out?” asked a bystander. “Shure, and we dined on one of our officers. ’Twas the first mate we’d had in a fortnight,” was the reply. They were sitting together like two crows on the same limb, and he was softly whispering of bright eyes, and souls that had but one thought, and mutual affinity of hearts, etc., when she, lifting her blue eyes to him, and allowing her lips, on which carmine wasn’t well spread, to fall slightly asunder, remarked : “What d’ye so-y ?” There was a little gathering the other evening, and a lady, with a desire to chasten the conversation, asked a young man if he had ever felt a deep and subtle thrill, a fullness of feeling, so to speak, that reminded him of another life. He said he had. It was when he was in the country, and the doctor called it cholera morbus and charged him four dollars a visit.

A Biver that Does Not Give Up Its Dead. The Colorado river (not our Texas, Colorado; is noted for “swirls,” so called. They occur everywhere, but only at high stages of water. A bubble rises from the bottom and breaks with a slight sound on the surface. The water at the point begins a rotary motion, so small that an inverted tea-cup might cover it. Larger and larger grows the circle, till a surface of forty feet in diameter is in motion, spinning round a fun-nel-shaped hole in the center, two or three feet across at the top, and coming to a point in the depths below. Often a large tree floating down the stream is caught, and its foremost end thrust up in the air twenty or thirty feet, whim the other passes underneath—the exposed end to be slowly drawn down again, and to disappear. Three soldiers—deserters from Camp Mohave—passing through the ravine in a skiff, immediately below the fork, suffered their craft to run into a swirl. One of the crew, at the first intimation of danger, threw himself overboard, beyond the charmed circle, and, as he swam away, he turned his head and saw the boat spin round until, one end being drawn into the vortex and the other upheaved iu the air, it slowly sank as it revolved into the turbid bosom of the river, its human freight to be seen no more; for the Colorado river does not give up its dead—no corpses lodge on its shores.— Huntsville Item.

Nevada has a law authorizing the public whipping of wife-beaters. A whipping post has been ceremoniously S laced in front of the Court House ia ■TUtiU.