Democratic Sentinel, Volume 1, Number 36, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 October 1877 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

Time flies—Fly time is over. Domestic pets—Matrimonial sulks. Garden bugs and humbugs are thriving. An air of importance —One’s first breath. The oldest lunatic on record—Time out of mind. The bashful man who asked his girl if her favorite beverage wasn’t “pop,” was referred to her popper. What is the difference between a girl and a night-cap ? One is born to wed and the other is worn to bed. “There isn’t a vegetable,” says the enthusiastic Worcester Press, “ that can catchup with the tomato.” “ You have only yourself to please,” said a married man to a bachelor. “ True,” replied he ; “ but you can not tell what a difficult task I find it.” Stage-Manager (to call-boy}: “John, see if the ballet are all dressed. ” John (returning}: “Yes, sir, about ready; they’ve nearly got their clothes off. ” “ How to tell a mad dog,” is the title of an article that is going the rounds. We haven’t anything to tell a mad dog that we couldn’t send to him on a postal card. A popular clergyman in Philadelphia delivered a lecture on “Fools.” The tickets to it read : “ Lecture on Fools. Admit one.” There was a large attendance. A book agent, the other day, talked half an hour to induce a lady to buy a book. She handed him a slip of paper on which was written : “ Ime defe and dum.” “Gentlemen, I introduce to you my friend, who isn’t as stupid as he appears to be.” Introduced friend, with vivacity —“That’s precisely the difference between my friend and myself.” An exchange remarks: “The only jokes women like to read are those which reflect ridicule on the men.” Yes, on taking up a paper a woman invariably turns to the marriage column. “That’s our family tree,” said an Arkansas youth, as he pointed to a vigorous hemlock, and added, “ A good many of our folks have been hung on that tree for borrowing horses after dark.” It was a Boston man who went home early in the morning, and, meeting the sad, reproachful eyes of his wife, apologised, “My darling, I think you’ll be sorry for this when you git shober. ” “A soft answerturneth away wrath,” yet a man caught by his wife dealing soft answers to a pretty widow next door says he can show scars to prove that the proverb didn’t work well in his case. An old-school philosopher remarks that if bread is the staff of life, pound cake must be a gold-headed cane. Doubtless it is true, and two ice-creams and a girl are a regular two-wheeled velocipede. Oh ! there’s beauty in the morning, In the bluey. bluey blue, , In, the rosy golden dawning O’er the bluey, bluey blue; But the winter’s chill is creeping, With its blewy, blewv blew, To set your nose to weeping, All so bluey, bluey blue. “ You can’t drink so much brandy with impunity,” said a New York physician to a gouty patient. “ Perhaps not with impunity, doctor, but with a little peppermint I fancy I can go it,” was the serene reply. “Pa,” asked a boy, “ what is meant by paradise ?” “ Paradise, my son,” replied Mr. Stanton, gloomily, “paradise is the latter part of next summer, when your mother goes on a visit to your grandfather.” The architect who discovers a plan whereby a double house may be built so that you can hear all that is said next door without the people being able to hear a word uttered on your side, will have no reason to complain of stagnation in business. The second night after her first husband died she sat by the open chamber window, five hours waiting for the cat to begin fighting in the back yard. Said she: “ This thing of going to sleep without a quarrel of some kind is so new that I can’t stand it. Let me alone till they begin; then I can doze off gently.” Ye gods! Imagine my surprise To find, on coming home last eve, The neatest thing in pumpkin pies— A gift from charming Genevieve. The crust was short and white as enow; The pumpkin gleamed like golden sands; Th# whole presented such a show, It seemed the work of fairy hands I And when the prize I came to eat, As the bee some new-found honey sips, I fancied nothing else so sweet, Save the nectar of the giver’s lips!