Democratic Sentinel, Volume 1, Number 24, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 July 1877 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

Spirit of the times—Whisky. A hard-shell Baptist—The turtle. A summer lium-bug — The mosquito. Good suits for bald-headed men. Mo’hair. A colored Postmaster is now called a black-mailer. Texas wheat is to high that grasshoplioppers have to walk on stilts. Why is a pond lily like a whale? Because it comes to the surface to blow. Why is the letter “s” like a lamb? Because it is the beginning of “ sheep.’ What mental process most nearly resembles a minute's reflection ? Second thoughts. “ John, you said Sally kissed you ; did you kiss her back ?” “ No —l kissed her face.” The most sentimental exercise yet known is said to be women’s eyes swimming in tears. 1 As a man drinks lie generally grows reckless ; in his case the more drains the fewer scruples. A little girl was suffering from the mumps, and declared that she “felt as though a headache had. slipped down into her neck.” .“My luck,” exclaimed a Bohemian, “is so atrociously bad, that I believe if I were to invest in soap, washing would go out of fashion to-morrow,” The following is a true copy of a letter received by a village sol tool-master : “ Hur, as you are a man of nolege, I intend to inter my son in yonr skull.” An eccentric clergyman lately said in one of bis termons that about tlie commonest proof we have that man is mode of clay is the brick so often found in liis hat. “If there is anybody under the canister of heaven that I have in utter excrescence,” says Mrs. Partington, “it is the slanderer going about like a boa constructor, circulating liis calomel on honest folks. ” A Pennsylvania Dutchman, who married his second wife soon - after the funeral of the first, was visited with a two hours’serenade in token of disapproval. Ho expostulated pathetically thus: “I say, poys, you ought to !>e ashamed of yourselfs to be making all dis noise ven dar vas a funeral here so soon.” Artist What do you do in this lonely place, Donald, when any one is sick and tlie doctor is ten miles oft ?” Donald—“ Oh, we sliust gie her a dram.” Artist—“ But supposing that has no effect?” Donald—“We shust gie her another dram.” Artist—“ Yes ; but supposing that does not do?” Donald —“ Oh, we shust gie her another dram, and if that does nae cure her site’s no worth curing. ” — Punch. f He came back to liis mother, looking very forlorn, with a big red] swelling under liis left eye, and four or five handfuls of torn shirt boiling over his breeches band. “Why, where on earth have you been?” she asked. “Me and Johnny’s been playin’. lie played lie was a pirate, and I played I was a Duke. Then he put on airs, and 1 got mad, and t- “Yes, yes!” interrupted liis mother, In r eyes flashing, “and you didn’t flinch ?” “No, mother; but the pirate licked.” “Doctor,” said an old lady the other day to her family physician, “kin you tell me how it is that some people is born dumb? ” “Why—hem ! —certainly, madam,” replied the doctor; “ It is owing to the fact that they come into the world without the power of speech.” “ Lame ! ” remarked the old lady; “ now just see what it is to have a physic edieation. I’ve axed my old man more nor a hundred times that ar same thing, and all I could ever get out of t him was, ‘ Kase they is.’ ” * N