Democratic Sentinel, Volume 1, Number 22, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 July 1877 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

Why are troubles like babies? Because they get bigger by mirsiug. Advice to too many people—How to make home happy—leave it. Fools ami their money soon part. It’s worth while being a fool to have money to part from. A person always meets with a warm reception at a hotel. The minute he arrives he is placed on a register. Some one says that the test of true love in Wisconsin is permitting a young man with measles to kiss his sweetheart, Wh at is the difference between a Christian and a cannibal ? Ono enjoys himself, and the other enjoys other people. Even if a boy is always whistling, “ I want to be an angel,” it is just as well to keep the preserved pears ou the top shelf of the pantry. The present style of young ladies’ dresses does not require any satin in the material. In fact, they are not made to be sat in. A little girl was suffering from the mumps, and declared that she “ felt as though a headache had slipped down into her neck.” This is the season at which the amazed washerwoman clutches a painful nest of tishhooks in the soiled pantaloons of juvenile Americans. The intelligent compositor who was responsible for flic statement that “Adelina Fntti is growing stout,” is still pursuing the evil tenor of his weigh. A chesty old bachelor says that Adam’s wife was called Eve because when she appeared the day of man’s happiness was* drawing to a close. The average Mexican now rises betimes, pokes his head out of the window and cautiously inquires of the first pass-er-by, “Who’s President this morning?” > A witness on the stand, in reply to a question as to what the character of Mr. was for truth and veracity, said: “Well, I should say that he handles truth very carelessly.” A small child,- being asked by a Bun-day-school teacher “What did the Israelites do alter they had crossed the lied sea?” answered, “ I don’t know, ma’am, but I guess they dried themselves.” “He is a mau alter my owu heart, pa,” said Julia, reverting to her Charles Augustus. “Nonsense,” replied old Practical ; “he is a man after the money your uncle left you.” And then all was quiet. “Algernon,” she whispered, “will you always love hie?” “Evangeline, I swear it,” he responded in a passionate murmur. Then there was a sound as of a clam falling into the mud, and all was still. “ I try to preach the milk of the Word,” replied a clergyman to a parishioner who remonstrated that his sermons were too long. “ Yes,” remarked the other, “ but around here what we. want is condensed milk.” A pupil gave his teacher this illustrative definition of “responsibility”— “ Hoys has two buttons for their s-’pend-deis so’s to keep their knickerbockers up. When one button comes off, why, there’s a good deal of responsibility on t’other button.”

HOW THEY DO IT. “ Know you e’er,” naiil crafty Philip, “ That when maiden's kiancd would he, Then with accent* soft they nwcetly Lisp their words in lanKu«Ke free ! ” Back the answer came, a golden Mine of wealth in every word ; ( “ Yetli,” the damsel gently murmured, “ Yetli, dear Philip, tho I’ve heard.” “My dear,” said an affectionate wife to her husband, as she looked out of the window, ‘ ‘ do you notice how green and beautiful the grass looks on the neighboring hills?” “'Well,” was the unpoetic response, “ what other color would you have it at this time of the year ?” “Our Dumb Animals" is the name of the organ of the “American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.” Appropriate name, “ Our Dumb Animals." That’s what the mancalls them who gets up at 1 a. m. and drives three or four of them out of liis garden, but he docs not spell the middle word with a “ b.” Niosxc puts us iu mind of the Kansas man who went to Ne\f York and entered a gilt-edged restaurant for his dinner. He said they sat him down to “a table with a silver caster, a clean plate, a knife aud a split spoon. ” He waited until lie was nearly starved, and then “A nigger come up and bad the impudence to ask me what I’d have. ‘Vittles!’ says T, ‘ Yittles! Bring on your vittles, and I’ll help myself. ’ ” H i