Democratic Sentinel, Volume 1, Number 20, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 June 1877 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

A pious young lady—Tho church bcll(e). A roou man is to be avoided—Ho lacks principal. When is a soldier not a soldier ? When lie’s mustered. Why is an angry man like ft camel ? ’Cause lie’s got his back up. * An Indian woman is a squaw; therefore an Indian baby is a squawling. It is affecting to bear an “ old maid ” singing her poodle to sleep to the air, “ If ever Lcease to love.” A Mayor out West lias determined to kill half the dogs in the city, and tau tlieir hides with the bark of the other half.. t It is not the loudest expressions that show the strongest feelings. (Still waters run deep, and a watch ticking can.be heard farther than a bed ticking. A boy, having been told that a reptile, is “an animal that creeps,” on being asked to name one on examination day, promptly and triumphantly replied, “a baby.” The fanner shoxxld sow bis P’s, keep his U’s warm, liive his B’s, remember wliat he C’s, take care of the V’s, teach liis wife not to T’s, pay all he O’s, and take liis E’s. It is xxseless for physicians to argue against short-sleeved dresses. The constitution of the United States says that “the right to bear arms shall not be interfered with.” A little boy asked a laxly who made her teeth. “My Creator,” she replied. “ Well,” said the little fellow, “ Dr. Eorbusk made my ma’s, ami they beat your’n clean out o’ sight.” “My dear,” said a gentleman to a young lady to whom he thought to be married, “do yon intenxl to inako a fool of me?” “No,” replied the lady, “uature has saved me the trouble.” Old bachelors will reaxl with subdued joy the following epitaph on one of their order, written by himself : At threescore winters’ end I died, A cheerless being, sole and sad ; The nuptial knot I never tied, And wished my father never had. A man liaxl blue glass put in his wife’s sitting-room—to match her eyes, lie said. She returned the compliment by having red glass pxxt in her husband’s library—to liiatcli his nose, she said. He didn’t' seem to appreciate the compliment. A Yale graduate may thoroughly understand Greek grammar, but, when ho comes to fill his big meerschaum pipe, and finds his tobacco box empty, bis disappointment is just as keen as if lit) luul never studied anything but English composition all the xlays of liis life. “Ma, wliat is bulker?” inquired u bright-looking child, tho other day. “ I’m sure I don’t know, my son; where did yoxx hear the worxl?” “ Why, at Sunday school; yxyi know they sing, “ We’ll stand the storm, it won’t be long, we’ll lanker by and by.’ ” “ Let me see,” said the nurse of a sick man. “ The xloctor saixl one tenspoonful every ten minutes. That makes six every hour; say seventy-two xluring tho night. I shall give liim seventy-two spoonfuls right; away, and have a chance to get a little sleep"myself.” Now is the time for lovers to get spooney over ice-cream, she taking a few pretty dabs at his vsinilla, and lie borrowing a taste of her chocolate. This process inspires conliilcuce in the day when they will be throwing cornexl beef and cabbage across the table. A Chicago lady, whose colorexl coachman is a curious specimen of his race, lately observed to some friends that at times “the man was a perfect enigma,” and all hands were not a little tlumbfoundotl to hear the laxly’s youthful sxin break out with the exclamation : “ Why, of course, lie’s a-nig, ma—just see how black he is !” , Thebe was quite a company of fashionable guests sitting rxiund the table (ifter dinner, wlio-kappened to xlisagrec as to the date of a certain event of which they had been talking, when the host’s 8-year-old-’un attemptexl to expedite the solution of the problem by suxldcnly asking: “Why, mamma, what xlay was it you washed me?” The Ohio Slate Journal tills of a village clergyman who, visiting a parishioner suffering from a lingei-ing disease, exprcssexl to his wife a hope that she someximes spoke to him of the future. “I do, indeed, sir,” was the reply. “ Often anxl often I, wakes liim in tho night and says:'‘John, John, you little think of the torture as is prepared for you.’ ”