Democratic Sentinel, Volume 1, Number 19, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 June 1877 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

Party conveyances—Party hacks. Maid of money—A young heiress. Bokkkn for oil are called well-wishers. Unpleasant flowers of spring trade— The croakers. 'Hymn soy a hungry man—Hold the fork, fry lmpi coming. Natural selection —Taking the largest apple on the plate. What is the only pane which overy one makes light ? A window pane. The grave-digger, we learn front the Buffalo JUxprcaa, is the king of spades. Henry Clay Dean doesn’t sympathize with Russia. He says lio is no CzarDean. It was said <t>f a great smoker that he seemed to count that minute lost that lie had not a cigar in his mouth. A Norristown man, when askedkwhy he called ltia dog “Rome,” said it was because Rome howled — all night. “J< R. Grosse, Grocer, Groceries,” is the positive, comparative and superlative style of a Boston storekeeper’s sign. Ip those Bnshi-Bazouks wore sent to “ eat up ” the disaffected Cretans, wouldn’t they be horrible _ Cretechewers ?” “Don’t leave your old tobacco-quids where the innocent little children will mistake them for chestnuts,” reads a sign on a hotel in Maiue. A New Bedford teacher asked his class to explain the difference between “ dear” and “ deer.” “ One is a biped, and the other is a quadruped.” A soldier, who had had his cheek si tot away in an engagement, remarked to a comrade that he would like a glass of water, but lie hadn’t the face to ask for it. A merchant asked his Sabbatli-Bchool class the other Sunday, “ Wluit is solitude ?” and was answered by a boy that reads the papers, “ The store that don’t advertise.” • r litisH boatman (to timid Teuton): “Och, niver mind what they’ve been telling ye about the boat. She do capsize aisy, it’s true, but that’s nothing ; she rights herself again in a jiffy.’.’ “Why,” asked Pat one day, “why was Balaam a first-class astronomer '{” The other man gave it up, of course. “Slums,” said Pat, “’twas because lie had no trouble in liridin’ an ass to roid.” A boy, £ years of age, having stolen a can of milk, his mother took him to task with moral suasion, and wound up her discourse by exclaiming, “ What in the world were you going to do with the milk ?” “ 1 was going to steal a dog to drink it.” *

“Go away ; you’re too heavy to hold on my knee,” said a cross young man to his sweetheart’s little brother. “Me too heavy !” exclaimed the child; “ why, I ain’t near so heavy as Eliza, and you hold her on your knee easy enough !” Eliza also then told him to go away. Sumbling into his room, lie sat down le edge of the bed and soliloquized • “ Fee’ wet, tight boots, a sore on one liau’, an’ a felon on t’other, and no boot-jack in the house. Sings got to be difftiKmt. Either I mus’ get married, else get a boot-jack—wisliall I do ?” A Han Francisco clergyman was observed chasing a street-car. Somebody cried, “ Stop thief !” and a dozen men, headed by a policeman, followed and captured him. A prominent parishioner explained matters, and the disgusted parson didn’t wait for the next car. BURLINGTON HAWK-EYE DOTS. A Paris man swallowed his spectacles the other day. A startling instance of taking a glass too much. The Baslii-Bazouks ride with such short stirrups they can wipe their noses on their knees without bending over. Alexander Stephens is still improving in health. He weighs thirty-four pounds, and has to paste his clothes to his body with wafers to keep from falling through them. A hioh-school boy sat down at the boarding-house table and collared a fiery, untamed joint of .a spring-chicken. Straight he began—“ Bones, bone-gnaw, bone-n’yum, yum, yum.” Mr. Fitzhugh, of Texas, an eminent Democratic statesman, hearing of the fuss they are making over his late rival, has packed his valise and announced that he is going to England himself. “ Where is the City Marshal ?” shouts an excited Kansas paper, giving an account of a burglary. In the next issue it answers its own conundrum, “ Ban away from town with the Recorder's wife.”