Crawfordsville Review, Crawfordsville, Montgomery County, 4 November 1899 — Page 4

The Review.

PETER PORCUPINE.

JSEQUITURQUE PATREM HAUD

PASSIBUS -CQUIS.

The Grandson of His Grandfather

Finds the Old Han's Pen and

Polishes it Up.

JVt'/nii m' Tmpunc La cess it."

"Once there I iced a man, a satirist •ttnd in the natural :ourse\nf time his .friends slew him and he dud.

Thepenjile came and stood about, his •eorpse. 'He treated the whole round world as his football,' they said, 'and'Jte kickfid it."

The dead man opened his eyes. "Rut always toward the goal" he najd.—Schwartz.

Y"5[OME wild and woolly advocate of expansion by the sword route, IJ has furnished an evidence of how long the ears can grow on the human ass, by proclaiming to the world the following choice bon mot: "Democrats are traitors in time of war. and fools in time of peace." The author has carefully hidden his identity, as though ashamed of what he had done. The attention of certain editors of administration organs hereabouts is hereby called to this choice expression, which they can work in occasionally with the words "copperhead," "Atkinaldoists," and other choice specimens of polished English, when expressing their contempt for Democrats, and thus vary their pipings a little.

"WlOW the powers that be are pro l\| posing to pay the soldiers in the |jJ[ Philippines, Cuba, Porto Rico with silver. What terrible crime is this which the administration contemplates! Silver is good enough for the mac in the trenches and behind the gun, but is too base a metal for the man behind the bank counter! One is fish and the other fowl it seems, after all.

BUNKO

and smooth, but Marysville, Ind., comes to the fro it with the smoothest of all of th*m. Murk Carmichael offered to bet his father-in-law that he did not have nerve enough to take SI,(XX) out of the bank and keep it in the house over night. The old man showed his nerve aud jjot the. money. He placed it under his pillow and laid a big revolver close *it baud.. When he awoke the next morning he found his money gone, •and further investigation revealed the fact that his entire family, including his wife, were gone also. When last he heard from them they were crossing the Missouri river. This is a practical illustration of the fact that a a man's foes-are in his own household.

OUR

President has missed being immortalized, by living after Dickens died, although that celebrated novelist has left on record a portraiture which fits the Presi--deut's case. Our President spoke at town in Michigan when on his great vote hunting tour, and said: "The •".-shedding of blood is anguish to my isoul. The shedding of blood of the •misguided Filippinos is a matter of sincere regret and sorrow to us all."

This very closely resembles some of the sayings of that noted man who hacT named his daughters Charity and Mercy—Mr. Pecksniff. What meat iaud drink his tour of speechmaking would have been for Dickens. At one town his soul was racked with anguish, and ten miles further on, with different environment, the anguish would spend itself, and bracing up he would declare :3"We have expanded who is going toj "contract?" He has certainly proved himself able to give Pecksniff cards and spades and then win out.

CAPERStothe

more milk. Before the seat of trouble was discovered, a great many reputations were knocked silly. The cause of the disturbance was the fact that the farmers had been feeding their cows apples. This has the elTict of impregnating the milk wiiii alcohol, and changing the lacteal fluid ii.iu a liquor closely akin to very bird filer without destroying th* natural Uiste of the milk. So the entire crowd was drunk. The churca social to my mind is a delusion and .1 snare at best, and when it comes causing antics like this it is time to abolish it from the catalogue of religioi.s ceremonies.

OTMALL statuettes :ire now to be made of Mark Hanua, dollar marks and all to be labeled "Our

Republican God." Before this figure every morning the partisan republican can kneel to say "Give us this day our daily opinion."—Frankfort Crescent.

The political editor of the Montgomery county organ evidently has secured one of these for his desk, aud often approaches the shrine, as I notice the daily trumpet blasts are getting louder and louder in behalf of trusts and their benificent influence. In history we read of a time in an Asiatic city, now hardly accorded a name on the map, but then rich and powerful, wherein stood a great gold ornamented temple, when a mob arose aud sought th» lives of two men in simple garb, who were the propagandists of a higher civilization than that of blood and pillage and a certain worker in silver raised the cry of "Great is Diana of the Ephesians!" "These simple men will will ruin our business if we allow them to make such speeches in the streets of the city of Diana!" and they would kill the men. They were preaching truth, equal rights and humanity, and the idol makers of Ephesus arose to put them down. The same spirit exists to-day. The cry is not "Great is Diana of the Ephesiaus!" but "Great is Marcus, of Ohio! and the Trusts from which our campaign boodle comes!" Down with the man who thinks the yokel without great capital has rights in the land! We cannot afford to give auyone room who is not willing to worship the Golden Calf of Hanna!"

THE

games are quite numerous

A

DXE

which would have done

credit an Hibernian ball were cut bv guests at a church social" at Greenwich, Connecticut, a yew eveningsjago. Milk in abundance'was served, and Jwithin an hour fully half the attendants were singing'.rag time songs and howling for

INDIANA

1I

4

anonymous letter writer has again showed his haud in this city, and is bestowing his attentions on the pastor of the Christian church. I believe that his energy and postage stamps are wasted on that gentleman. He has been around the world long enough to pay but little attention to such fellows. It is only a rank coward who will write an anbnymous letter, and he is generally a fellow who would be in his element could he stir up trouble somewhere. But he has stuck his nose into the wrong place if he is expecting notorie ty as a trouble maker in that quarter. It won't work.

SWISS chemist has discovered an embalming fluid which, when introduced into the heart and stomach immediately after death, and the body exposed to 90 degrees of heat, will turn the body into solid stone in ten hours time. He works on the theory that the functions of these organs do not cease immediately. It is said that the body can be chipped with a chisel, like stone. So many persons are using the new plan in Switzerland and keeping the dead bodies of relatives as statues to ornament the homes of the survivors, that the government is said to be contemplating forced burials by law. In this land of second marriages and divorce courts this process is not likely to become popular.

newspaper, not afraid to tell the truth, closed its write up of a flashy wedding of a couple of young society pushers as follows: "After a wedding tour of several eastern cities the young couple will return to this city and settle down with the bride's parents till the husband gets a job." How many wedding accounts could be closed with the same homely truth? Yet not every editor has the nerve to do it. Nearly every wedding is the "mating of a couple of well known society people," where the young man in the case is described as "one of our promising young business men," when if all his wages were used for the purpose he could not comfortably house and feed a hen and chickens and the woman while she is just too pretty, couldn't patch the basement of hubby's pantaloons decently in a week's time. When I read an illuminated article slopping over with purple adjectives descriptive of a wedding which I know and everybody else knows is a misfit, I long for the day to come when truth will be told by newspapers as well eus preachers.

is a great state. She

raises corn enough each year to keep the entire worid drunk, if manufactured into .vhiskey, and wheat and rye, and cattle, hogs and sheep enough to feed the United States find a part of New Jersey. She ha" '.s.UJO saloons, two penitentaries, vir msaue hospitals, ninety-two well |fi icd poor holises, and an*equal num-uv-r of jails, all well tenanted. She has Dr. Hurty, Wm. S. Haggard, J.

Frank Hanley, Booth Tarkington and others who could be named. But probably the worst microbe she has to contend with is the Legislature whfch comes into view with the regularity of death, every two years. The last lamented body passed a law compelling the mourning parent to go to the health officer and take out a permit to bury their dead, and should he neglect to do such thing he shall be arrested and fined, and the officers of the law, doctors, justices, constables and a lot of smaller fry have the right to disinter the body of his loved one and exercise upon it the scalpel^ examine the heart, stomach, lungs and brain for traces o' disease, so that the health officer may know that no inicrobes or germs of death have been buried with the body. There are fees connected with all this for the gang who dig up the body and desecrate the grave in the interest of public health. The certificate of death from the physician to the undertaker may be all right, saying that no contagious disease was the cause of death, but farther than this no man should be allowed to go, even if there was a fee for him in it. I look for the next legislature to ordain the health oflict-r kic^,', aud give him absolute power to confine in jail the woman who dares kiss her baby. Graves have been opened in several counties of the state under this law, aud much ill feeling is beingjereated by it.

AM a believer in the germ theory of disease, and feel confident that it is correct, but at the same time am equally confident that many of our doctors are growing exceedingly "nutty" on the question, aud the "nuttiest" one of the push is our state Health Officer. I expect to hear soon, of him living in a glass case, on distilled water aud grape nuts, aud breathing air pumped to him through a dozen thicknesses of bolting cloth. He is the worst scared man on microbes the world has ever seen. Every particle of dust floating in the air is to his. eyes a monster read}' to tear the vitals out of a human being. From these jabberwocks of the atmosphere, these bandersnatches of the frog pond, with teeth and horns and claws he would save mankind.

In every odor wafted to his delicate and scientific nostrils he smells microbes, deadly, awful microbes, carried from far away climes to wreak vengeance on the people of Indiana. I wonder if he ever, when a boy chasing the swift "cottontail" through the woods eyer thrust a pole into a hollow log and made the acquaintance of a full grown specimen of that vigorous odor dispenser, the American skunk? also wonder what sort of microbes he thought he had caught? I tell you, good people, that while the microbe is a living reality, he is being overworked, and a great lot of microbe hunters are living off of his misfortunes.

WE

are informed now that small pox will get us this winter if we "don't watch out." Dr. Hurty declares that it is now

in the state and that it is bound to spread, aud spread just because the local doctors of the state do not know what small pox is when they see it That they will stand around and talk while death on a pale horse rides through the community. They will only know "where they are at" when the secretary of the state board of health arrives on the tcene and casts his trained eye over the spot and his trained nostrils detect the scent of the small pox "mike" in the December air. Dr. Hurty desires to see this whole state with its arm in a sling, so he advises that everybody be vaccinated, at once, that this swarm of bacteria may be headed off. He incidentally remarks that it would only cost the pitiful bagatelle of $30,000 to do the work, and avers that it would save the state eventually hundreds of thousands of dollars. If this is so, let everybody pull up his sleeve or bare his leg to receive the prod of the point. "If 'twere done when 'tis done, 'twere well 'twere done quickly."

UXORCIDEin

Sultan of Sulu to take a sudden notion to clean up his harem, and get a new supply of wives? This is a weakness of Sultans, and the distemper is likely to break out under the shadow of the stars and stripes. Mr. McKinley has not proven himself a man who sticks so closely to the constitution and law aud tradition, and republicanism in the past, however, but we could depend on him in such an emergency to settle the case satisfactorily to himself and his Father Confessor, Pope Marcus I., at least.

UST a policeman pay for his clothes? Dare a man whom a policeman owes ask him for the amount of his little account? It would seem that both these propositions are not true from an item I notice in the news columns, where the wearer of a helmet and blossoming terror to small boys and dogs, had refused to pay his tailor aud had the tailor arrested for provoke when he dared ask for a few dollars ou the big bill. It is no doubt annoying for a man who holds a place as a policeman to be bothered by such pestiferous insects as tailors with bills to collect. This policeman proposed to make an awful example of this tailor. He said "shoo fly!" but the tailor wouldn't "shoo." He resented the impertinence as St. Anthony resisted the blandishments of the devil. His high dignity had been insulted, and his tender feelings been made to bleed, so he had the tailor, whose clothes he was wearing, arrested for provoke because he asked for his money. The resplendent blue suit, the brass buttons, the regulation helmet in which he struts forward and back in front of the city hall, waiting for some daring criminal to hold out his hands to be tied, the collar so stiff, the shirt so stylish, the pants so tight, the necktie so chic, were ou his body, and possession was ownership. He had owned them so long, he knew the tailor had no claims, and he resented the insult by having the cheeky knight of the goose arrested. The case was dismissed, however, and the tailor will attempt to have the police board hold it out of the gallant copper's wages, as the law directs. The policeman should pay or be stripped of his blue and brass, so far as clothes are concerned—a brass foundry could run ten years on cheek such as he possesses. The police force is no place for this fellow. Men of sterling worth, and who are really men, should be selected for responsible positions under the city government. This is the second time he has pleaded the baby act, and showed that he was not lit for the place he holds. The only place he is useful is where he can scatter small boys at marbles, or separate angry dogs in a fight, chase drunken countrymen in ou a show day, or march at the front of a procession.

On occasions like these a yellow terrier under a red wagon is not more conspicuous, but when he strikes "the real old thing," as in the case of Davy Doyle, he squeals lustily for help and has all the bystanders arrested for not rescuing him. If the Police Board will do its duty it will drop this frost from the city's pay roll, and hire a man.

HE Kansans conceived the bright idea of giving a sword to their hero, Funston. They had the sword made at a cost of §1,000. They also had it properly inscribed, as they thought. The inscription read: "I can hold this position until my regiment is mustered out." These are the heroic words that are reported to have fallen from the Hps of Funston in reply to his superior officer, while charging 'round Manila as did Hector 'round the walls of Troy. And now the pugnacious, inconsistent and ungrateful Funston denies the soft impeachment. He says he never said it, and will not accept the sword until the false, misleading inscription is taken off. Such base ingratitude is simply appalling. If he did not use the expression everybody will believe that he should have done so. Now he inconsiderately deprives us of something by which he could be remembered, robs himself of immortality, and his tombstone of an appropriate epitaph. His name will now never appear in the school books, and his valorous deeds and words stir the blood of Young America. Foolish Funston! Vale Funston!

THE

is a crime punishable

by death this country, and it should be. Any man who kills his wife should be hanged and hanged very high. But the question naturally presents itself: What would Mr. McKinley do were his $10,000

preliminary skirmishes in South Africa wear the grim aspect of bloody war. They reek with the odor of the shambles, and to a spectator whose blood is not tinctured by passion or eyes blinded by prejudice, it would appear that one of these Christian nations, if not both, must have made a woeful blunder. Oom Paul may find inspiration from the pages of the sacred Book and Victoria pray for the divine ble9s-

The people of Crawfordsville, Montgomery County and surrounding counties will be interested in learning* that Mr. Edward Warner has decided to go out of the Cloihing business. They will be vitally interested because it will effect their pocketbooks because, before retiring, Mr. Warner intends to conduct the

1

Ever known in the history. o,f Crawfordsville. A $35,000 stock of the finest

1

Clothing, Hats, Caps, Gents' Furnishings, Etc.,

Will positively be placed on the altar of low prices and sacrificed at absolute cost. Everything goes—counters, fixtures, etc.

HERE AREA FEW OF THE PRICES:

Overcoats.

Vermont Frieze, worth J5 00 fOr Black and blue beavers well worth $6 00 for Heavy Chinchillas, in blue worth $6 00 for Extra heavy beaver, in blue and bla^k, worth $7 00 for.. Fine Covert oth, made up in extra wide facing,satin bound l'ancy check black, sells everywhece for $8 00 for Kersey beaxer in black, blue, and browD, eatin bound,good value at $10 00 for Raw edged English Kersey, worth $12 00 for Extra tine English Kersey, elegantly tailored, worth $14 00 for Fine Kersey Beaver in blue and blaek, wide facing,satin yoke and sleeves, worth 815 00 for Extra fine quality Iv-rsey Heaver, equal to finest merchant/ tailored garment, worth $'20 for

$ 2.25

3.50

4.00

5.00

5.00

15.00

Underwear.

A large lot of odds and ends wall worth 50c at 25 Regular 50cCamel's Hair at .25 Best fleced lined 16-lb goods in blue and natural at 40 Balbriggans in blue and brown, worth 75c, ut 4~, Sheard' all wool health underwear, $1 25, at -.so very best Australian wool in blue, tan and natural,

SI 50 goods, at

7 00

at

10 00

12.0°

One Price Clothier and Hatter.

ing upon England's arms, and yet there cannot be Christian justification for both. It is not new, this seeking for the blessing of God upon the fruits of greed and folly, and yet the pages of history do not show that it is ever given. Ou the contrary, it does show that the fool has ever paid the price of his folly and doubtless he ever will. But before the fool is brought to his senses the soil of South Africa will be wet deep with innocent blood. So is it written in the chance that makes the destiny of nations.

IIHUSIC finds a ready response in lyl the heart of every human be-

JL" I

ing. The witness to this was I seen on the visit of the Chicago Syphony Orchestra here last Wednesday night, as the first number in the Y. M. C. A. lecture course. Persons got up early and stood in line for hours to give up their dollar for a seat, and half of these same people couldn't carry a tune themselves if they had it in a jug. I didn't go, for the reason that I had been swamped before on classical music, and French and Italian opera. It was too rich for my musical education, and I never like to yawn at a public place, even to be pointed out as a lover of classic music. The Y. Al. C. A. deserves great credit for risking the expense of bringing such a combination to the city. Those who were educated in music enjoyed a great treat, and those who were not imagine they did, so no one is disappointed.

HE hobo still wanders over the face of the land in his fruitless search for work, nothwithstandft®ing the frequently reiterated statement to the effect that farmers cannot find enough men to help harvest their crops in many sections. His search for the delusive will-o-the-wisp, called work, is as heartrending as the famous search of Evangeline for her beloved Gabriel.

IDEAS

of kindess curing criminality was in a measure exploded in the minds of many Terre Hauteans, last Sunday. Rev. J. W. Comfort was preaching a sermon on prison reform as chaplain of the Indiana Re-

r.oo

Men's Suits.

Mens Union, CO per cent. wool suits, cheap at $5, go

S.00

S 2.50

Men'e blue and black cheviots and clay worsted patterns, well worth $G, at.. 3.00 Regular all wool caasimeres

Darville and South Bead woolen tuill goods, worth 83 to 310, at 5,oo endel's celohmteil cassimeres, all wool, elegantly made and trimmed, worth SO, $12 and $14. at 7,00

We Want Your Trade.

formatory, and how they were winning the inmates to good behavior at that institution through kindness, aud pleaded with the people to sympathize with the criminal classes, aud never lose an opportunity to help the fallen. While lie was preaching a thief entered the vestry and walked off with the pleading parson's overcoat. This is a good example of the ingratitude displayed by the average thief to the man who helps him. It is not confined to the low class thief either. I have seen it displayed iu the political world among men who would fight if catalogued where they belong.

Yours Observantly PETER PORCUPINE, Jr.

The old reliable firm of Myers & Charni have excelled their efforts iu procuring for their customers the very best stock of Dry Goods ever offered to the public. It will be to your advantage to look through their immense stock when in need of dry goods, cloaks, capes, jackets, ready to wear skirts, underwear, hosiery, shawls, comforts, carpets, rugs, lace curtains, men's suitings,and their splendid liue of Yount's Woolen Goods.

"A Perfect Beauty."

That is a frequent exclamation at the Y. M. C. A. Millinery Parlors. We have some magnificent hats—hats that any lady might be proud to wear The quality of the material and the exclusiveness of certain of our styles make them extremely desirable.

Myers & Charni are selling Dry Goods cheaper than any firm in the State.

$5.00 Capes or Jackets for $3.90. $7.50 Capes or Jackets for $5.50. $10.00 Capes and Jackets for $7.50. Now on sale at Myers & Charni's.

ABTOni A.

Bean the Signature of

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Cure

guaran­

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