Crawfordsville Review, Crawfordsville, Montgomery County, 30 November 1895 — Page 3

A Man with_a History.

IIU Bod}' Co rrrrd vi )h Lnmpi. Could not eat -tiul Tliimslit he

Wi\a

giilng.lu dr.v np,

(From th nshvlite, Tenn., Banner.) Mr. John "NY.Thomas, J-.,of Thetn, Turn, (i i\ nmii with a m:iat hiterestii history.

It was in '84, said he to a reporter who had asked liira for the story of his life when I was working in the silver mines of New Mexico, that my troubles began. .From simple indigestion my mulady developed into a chronic inability to take imv substantial food, and at times 1 was prostrated by spells of heart palpitation. On ths 11th of April, 1|J&3, I suddenly collapsed, and for days I was unconscious in fact 1 was not fully myself until July' On September 1st I weighed but 70 pounds whereas my normal weight is 165 pounds. All over my body there were lumps from the sire of a grape to the size of a walnut my fingers were cramped so that I could not mors than half straighten them. I had entirely lost control of my lower limbs and my hand trenfbled so that I could not drink without spilling the liouid. Nothing would remain on my stomach, and it seemed that I must dry up before many more days had passed.

I made another round of the physicians calling in one after the other, and by the aid of morphine and other medicines they gave me, I mann^ea to live thouch barel? through the fall."

Hera Mr. Tiv.mas displayed his arms and just above the elbow of eae'i there was large irregul. .- stain us large as the pal in of the hand and .i'a purple color, the space covered by the in irk was sunken nearly to the bone. "Tliut," said Mr. Thomas,'"is what tho doctors did by putting morphine into me.

On the 11th of December, 1803, justei^ht months after 1 took permanently io lud— I shall never forget the date— my'cousin, .loe Foster, of Carters' Creek, called on me mul gave me a box of Dr. Williams' Pink Pills for Pale People, saying they had cured him of partial paralysis, with which 1 knew ho hail all but died. 1 followed his directions and began taking the medicine, as a result 1 stand before you to-day the most surprised man on earth. Look at my hand, it is as steady as yours my face has"a healthy look ubout it 1 have been attending "to my duties for a month. .Since I lo: an inking the pills I have gained 30 pounds', and I am •till gaining. All the knots have dipappeared from my body except (his liulo kernel here in my palm. 1 have a good appetite and 1 am almost as strong us I ever was.

Yesterday I rode thirty-seven miles on horseback, I feel tired to-dav hut not -icU. I used to have from two to four

When In Doubt

CONSULT THE BEST.

Health In Itic (•rcntcM Luxury of Life—If You Wnni to lvrijoy[ili»9Ijiixiiri of Life CoiiHiiti

Dr. E. J. Walsh

Formerly I'residont of tho Modioal and Surgical stall of St. Anthony's Hospital, Into of Chcago.

Acknowledged by all as tlie world's greatest and moHt successful Specialist in all chronic and nervous diseases of both sexes.

Permanently located in Indianapolis. Ind. Consultation lree! Prompt and permanent euros.

CATARRH, all throat and lung troubles. Dyspepsia, Blood and Skin Diseases as well as all affections of tho Heart, I.Ker, Kidneys uu Bladder.

MEN A perfect cure guaranteed in all cases of wenkness. IK YOU A UK troubled with nervous debility, exhausting disoases, sleeplessness, threatened Insanity or any other symptoms of nervous exhaustion,

you

should consult him before too

lute. Delay In fatal. Varicocele positively curod in sovon days by his latest painless

KUl'TUKE, Piles, Kistuia a.id Hydrocele curod by the only successful method priviito and confidential.

Strictiy

ONLY CUKAI3L1C CASES TAKEN references and crodentlai» If y»u can not call, writo! hitters must bt addrossod to DR. \VALSH, INDIANA1 Ol.l. INDIANA.

Rest of

Ofllce 89 1-2 WoBt Ohio Street, Piel lllock, near Illinois street. Hours: to

o. m.

toS p. m. to p. in

Coine oariy. Delay is fatal.

Corn is King!

Buy a Farm while land is cheap. "We have a large number of Im proved farms for sale. Some decided bargains.

City Property

On easy terms. Also money to loan ftt Low Interest.

R. IS. BBYANT,

Joel Block.

WANTED—An

puns anij punsters.

DV'N'™''

THEF°™"

ci'ul11 n/ u°-al

AND

examples of the latter.

A Few Specimens of the Better CU« of

p, °W08t

F°r,u

"f Wlt-X„m Hood the

nee of British I'uustew—He Pun* Naturally as He Laughs.

Rn!,8 ",0

rT lo«itinirte

form of wit?

to Uank w, uud Dr. JohM„ 1

?ho

would

a puu

wnuli. piel, pocket. But the fact is

,0bjectionlack

be-

auso of their frequent of wit—

\Vn ,in

c,iroctGdto

bad Puns.

uot want to discuss bad puua-

wi,,!

irto

,hear

them-The

p°^t is,

lor good puns ure admissible as "'gituuate and commendable expressions of humor. It is of no use to say, like .Sydney Smith, that puns ought to !°,!"

bi!(1

and, although one

imils an incorrigible punstor—oftc-n, it

true, an incorrigible bore—in every

circlet of social life, one does not 1 'j10

pickpockets to bo iu-

crciisiiifr a'armingly in numbers. Nor

,llf!

statistics of crimo seem to bear

.my relation to tho productions of

11:l"chct

or Brough or of Gilbert to the

.••piead of bui'lcsijue and tho cultivation of Hab bnlladi.st opera. li is probable that there aro a few, even in these days of culture, capable of appreciating the profound witticism which Do Quincey discovered in tho jests for which poor JElius Lauiia was put to death by Domitian.

Cicero had the name of being a groat punster, although not many of his witticisms have come down to us. There is one, hoiveve

mi.'IN

heart palpitation everv night, since I bear the use of the pills 1 have had but (bur ipells altogether. "1 know positively that I was cured br Dr. Williams' Pink Pills, and 1 beliovV firmly that it is the most wonderful remedy in existence to-day, and evcrv fact I hav't presented to you is known to'mv neighboras well as to myself, and thev will certify the truth of my remarkable cure."

that may be appreciated

even without a knowledge of Latin. Once a Jew attempted to get the cause of erres into his own hands, and Cicero, who believed the .Tew to bo a mero tool of the culprits, opposed him by asking, "What hath a Jew to do with swine's flesh':" The Romans called a boar "verres," so that tho point was neat and appropriate.

If we want to argue the legitimacy of puns wo are obliged to fall back on tho old discussion as to the difference between wit and humor. Tho definitions aro legional of course, but uot one of them is wholly satisfactory. "Knowledge comes and wisdom lingers," Tennyson says, and perhaps wo might found upon this a parody, with some approach to truth—that wit sparkles and humor permeates. But there is little profit to be got in analysis of this kind. What is funny isn't necessaiily witty, but what is funny must havo in it or suggested by it some of the essence of humor. Thus Charles Lamb was not. so far wrong when he said that the most farfetched and startling puns aro the best.

The familiar inquiry, "Is it truo that the first apple was eaten by the first pair?" is farfetched, but one cannot deny tho humor of it. Again, in tho conundrum, "Why is blind man's buff like sympathyV"—"Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow creature," there is a direct application which is also unquestionably humorous. Then, as another example of a pun which is absurdly iiip»rnii/- iliprn WHff jBfiB"'~~fiiat relieves JeftoldW^S^ man to whom he had repeatedly written in vain for some money. "I have written him," said Jerrold to an acquaintance, "but got nothing." "Strange," said the other, "for he is a man full of kiudness.'' "Yes," rejoined Jerrold, "unremitting kindness."

A puu which requires explanation in brackets is indeed simply intolerable. The Oxford scholar who, meeting a porter carrying a hare through tho streets, asked, "Prithee, friend, is that thy own haro or a wig?" required no commentator. This same story is sometimes attributed to Charles Lamb. Nor did Tom Hood, who, when all is said and done, remains the prince of British punsters. Ho puns as naturally as ho laughs, A babo can see the point of his jokes, and the crustiest dry-as-dust cannot resist them.

Theodore Hook is thought by many to be equal to Hood as a punster, but Hook was labored and slow in comparison. There is an impromptu air about Hood's puns which is incomparable, and ail •unexpectedness, even when you aro looking for them, that is delicious. Frederick Locker once or twice seemed to have Hood's unconscious ease, as thu^. lie cannot bo complete in aught

Who is not humorously prone. A man without a merry thought Can hardly havo a funny ljone. John Hill Burton relates a legal joke which, to the legal mind, has all the charm of a pun. One day a bailiff, serving a writ, had been compelled by the defendant to swallow tho document. In a stato of great agitation and anger the officer rushed into the court, over which Lord Norbury was presiding, to complain of the indignity. He was met by the expression of his lordship's hope that tho writ was "not returnable in this court."

Bret Harte, by the way, is not usually regarded as a professional wit, and yet among the good things which cling to one's memory is the couplet in the "Ileathou Chinee:"

Concealed in his nails, whieli wore taper, What is common in tnpere—that wai. Somebody has written a parody in which a candidate for examination even beats tho record of tho Mongolian. Concealed in his palms, which were spacious, What is common in palms—and that dates. -Soaking of palms recalls the famous pnii of the bishop of Oxford, who, when a"kcd by a lady why lie was nicknamed

Soapy iNtm, I ::jsj

agent in every eec-

tiion to canvass 84.00 to 85.00 a

day made, sella at eight also a man sell Staple Goods to dealers, beet eicm lino 87'q00 a month. Salary or large CointuiBBion made experieuco unnec sary. Clifton Soap & Mabfacturing ., Cincinnati, Ohio,.

a.vsreplied, gfct^!g

•Because, madam, into hot water and

aiv:is¥ ?•'ning out with clean hands.

lVrhups it may be said that some of

tlw«.

camples are not true puns. But tn —iiv a twisting of not necessar

L" and a contortion of syllables. "l waters of burlesque and comic «»to think. It is play upon

,-itiIs, and to bo really

e'n^ir.

I con th r, Pliiki.'i-' .m Press.

CHlNESfiHAlft SOAP.

It T*

Disagreeable to took at, but Hm Excellent Effect. the great empire of China yon run ar-ivs somo very odd things, writes ^".ughc-i-ita Arlina Hunim. One of these is what wo might call hair soap and Is* used for shampooing purposes. How it is made I never could find out, but from* tho inero appearance of the article I would say it was composed of fine curled hay, oatmeal, «wheat husks, grease and a little borax. It looks for all the world like some of the oil cakes which dairymen feed to their oows in winter time. In the market it is sold by the cake, or to those who cannot afiford the luxury iu small pieces. The cake is round or elliptioal in outline, from an inch to 2 inches in thickness, from 12 inches to 2 feet in length and from 8 to 15 inches in width. It must weigh two or three pounds.

In using it your maid breaks off a piece about as largo as an ordinary cake of toilet soap. When applied to the hair, it produces a fair lather, and the hay and husk separate and work their way into the scalp. The rubbing causes tliom to polish the scalp as well as the hair itself. The subsequent rinsing carries away all these vegetable ingredients and leaves the hair and scalp in beautiful condition—the former soft and silky, the latter pink and warm. While tho hair .soap is very ugly to look at and seems altogether ridiculous, yet if you use it once you are simply charmed with your new acquisition and employ it regularly thereafter.

Equally odd and useful aro tho tongue scrapers. They are made of tin for tho very poor, of silver for the prosperous and of gold for the very rich. They are about tho general dimensions of a whalebone, excepting they are much shorter. Tho shortest aro four inches in length, and from that they run up to a foot. One end of tho metal ribbon is attached to a silver ring, by which the scraper can be hung from a nail in tho bathroom when not in use.

The edges are not sharp, like a knife, but resemble that of a screwdriver. What is wanted is an edge that will not cut on the one side, but will remove any coating from tho tongue upon the other.

Bi'.-ides

cleansing tho tongue it-

is also supposed to strengthen that useful member and to keep it free from any eruption. The blade is usually- plain and burnished, but in tho more expensive styles it is chased in patterns that aro nlmosr Greek in their beauty and grace.

The Treatment of Headache. There aro so many causes for head aches and so many conditions that lead up to this distressing malady that it is often very difficult to diognosticate the case properly," said a medical man of wide experience. "Of course, if the root of the matter is not reached, medicines avail nothing and may do more harm than good. One thing, however, is quite certain, and that is that congestion is a very frequent accompaniment of headache, and the pressure on the brain becomes extremely painful and may lead to dangerous consequences. It is evident, therefore^tirat any course of treates tho overfull blood brain must be desirable. It is always best to consult some reliable physician, if one is within reaoh, but this a great many people are averse to doing, and some are so situated that medical aid is not within call. For this class of persons a simple remedy may bo mentioned that has been the means of relieving many a sufferer and is so easily applied and so absolutely harmless that it is well worth knowing: "When the beating, thumping sensation begins in the head, take equal quantities of pure cayenne pepper and flour. Mix them up with water to form a smooth paste thick enough to spread like a salve. Put this upon a piece of soft paper and apply it to the back of the neck just below tho edge of the hair. In warm weather it is best to wash tho neck with a cloth wet with soap and water, as tho oily perspiration may interfere with the action of the plaster. One groat advantage of cayenno pepper plaster over mustard is that, while the latter frequently blisters, the former never docs so, no matter how strong it is applied. In the use of mustard, if the skin is broken, all treatment must cease until it heals, but with pepper, when tho plaster loses its effect, another may be applied without unpleasant consequences."—New York Ledger.

Did the Ants Talk?

Sir James Boyle, tho great Irish naturalist, ulways contended that ants had a language of their own, by which they made known their wants and fears to others of their kind. One day he encountered a colony that was evidently moving to new quarters. All appeared in the very best of spirits, and whenever two met tho naturalist noted that they put their heads together as though chatting very earnestly. To settle the matter in his own mind as to whether they were really talking or not, he killed one of them to observe the effect it would have on the others. The eyewitnesses to the murder hastened to the rear and halted every one of the advancing column by laying their antennae together. The column instantly separated to tho right, and the loft, none of the marchers afterward passing within less than six feet of their dead companion, though the remains of the insect woro directly in tho beaten path.—St. Louis Republic.

Worse Than a Savage.

Tatterden Tome—I calls de mug w'at don't give a bloke 25 cents a barbarian. Willie (tho dude tramp)—Wherefo' a barbawian, deah'boy?

Tatterden Torue—Becuz ho "gives no quarter.'' See!—New York Ledger.

Those who attain t.i any excellence commonly spend life in some single pursuit, for excellence is not often gained on easier terms.—Johnson

The

lisidorc/d witty should lug a chickcn than wo, .with all our cuand tho sense, |inary philosophy, ever dreamed of.

Chinese havo more ways of cook-

MODERN BODY' ARMOR.

Qolta ft Lot of It Ext in and Is Worn In Spite of the Tluie. Tho experiments with bullet proof ooatfl and material which havo been oonducted here 'and abroad have called attention to the fact" that mail protco tion did not entirely pass away with the shelving of the shield and cuirass. Many English officers still wear a rtial armor when serving on foreign stations.

The commonest and most usual type of these protections consists of fine bnt beautifully tempered single chains, inolosed in soft leather, whloh ran along the shoulders, down the outer side of the arms, and over certain parts of the body. These can either be sewed into a particular tunic, or they can be adjusted separately and put on like harness. Hundreds upon hundreds* of these sets are sold. The most valuable of al? chains in connection with accouterments are those which guard the head, and in cases where the regulation cap or helmet is not sufficiently proteoted in this way specially made chains are sewed inside tho same and covered by the lining.

Only those who have been in actual conflict know how valuable all the chains mentioned are in minimizing the effects of sword cuts. As regards protection both from sword and bullet ihe general belief nowadays seems to bo in thoroughly tanned leather, and great quantities aro made for officers, the favorite pattern—said to bo the invention of the lato Sir Richard Burton—being that which forms a not too prominent ridge doftu tho center of the chest. Many stories aro told by officers of bullets which havo been averted in some degree by these leather tunics, souie of which are lined with woven steel wire. Of courso nono of these things aro supposed to be an absolute protection, but only a sort of palliative.

A London gunsmith, who sells a great many chain body protectors, which fit almost like an ordinary vest and are very expensive, sells a largo number of them to army men, and ho not long ago sent a gross, as many as ho could get made in tho time, to Japan, where they were quickly sold. He has made for individual officers who have themselves drawn the design a variety of different patterns of armor. Fine flexible chains and leather have entered into nearly all of them.—Boston Post.

THE WATCHFUL CHAMOIS.

A Wary Old Stager, Hard to Catch, Is the Veteran Buok. He is a wary old stager, your veteran solitaire, and even more difficult to discover than ho is to stalk. In the daytime he lies perdu in the shadow of some overhanging rock, only emerging in the early~morning and evening to feed. Like his liftman congener, the elderly buck dines late-^aT Vste- cipj^ I was about to say, bnt at any rate ih' £ome sequestered nook where the ladies cannot bother him. Fortunately, too, he has a rooted and very proper aversion to being disturbed at his meals, and if you can only catch him at dinner time lie i8 so preoccupied that, in my opinion, he is then easier to approach than aro his lady friends.

As my favorite hunter, Jean Baptiste Perruquet, justly observes—and Perruquet is no misogynist, but rather a fervent admirer of the gentler sex—"O'est toujours les femmes qui sont lea plus mechantes!" Your old doe is always so horribly suspicious. She cannot even eat her dinner in peace, but between the nibbles she must needs look around and sniff tho air to see if anybody is coming. If a pebble trickles down tho mountain side she pricks her ears, cocks her Lend :-.i-!yway.s and seems to mutter to lucre!f, "Deur nie, I wonder what that nni:o ciin be." Tlio most an noying eroattwi tint I know are those outlying dot) (ho herd, who upset the best- la «l pl.ias and convert fair prospects of successful .stalks into miserable fuiln.v.-:.

Many a tin:, r.i .o stealthily creeping iiloii: .::o uarrr.v ly iniagiu:ii^ that yon «i:\ from vifc-.v, Ki-ri'l alirn. a lofty cvafj ::"vn ynn watchful (ivvrr. 'v.'-) 'b? tl: your ti'lcscojio 1. id til: The roimii i'-c iand are eye.—B

just l'CV 'J

Bpoko even

ledge, foudvll s?reened -.•histlo from lis cf some ~.i which t: py out. once of an

:i'

I.nsl-

Hif t'orc oinis missed

j.)

v- 1 v.

Who 1" '•.*:!• I. "badly tii.-.i .v. r.- "f ly wearu-c.

^".t -1 .j-

the point.-

j.-

.v.

overheard i_. restaur *'!. One jf the!-. :it -ir.

!-.

tion than imv "I'vobwii

i- ,:i:'!

!.-••-• .t -j

tho upper paru .1 t. o. s.u.i. "and many qiv.: ,r havo I

kccu. '-t i-i s.jii.

old as the Ir li.s, .. j. was partr. r.-. .v. r..... i: tel, 'D-W !••'.

His '.mi-, 'j *. •1 ness, and later isi ve v-. •:?. wV -i :i stranger joined tha ya.-.y. uno of tho number tried to tell this lintel and could not understand why the late aomer did uot sea the aptness when he told that on tho signboard wore the words, "Please Walk In."—New York Herald.

y.:r.

Alost Fortunate of Men.

Dolor—There's not much for mo to live for I don't suppose I havo a friend in all the world.

Philo—Not much to livo for? Nonsense. If yon havo no friend, you have nobody to borrow money of you, nobody to call when you are in tho middlo of an interesting book, nobody, to toll stor iea about you toother people nobody, in short, to bore you before your face and to abuse you behind your back. And you say you have nothing to live for!—Boston Transcript.

for

Infants

child's medicine.

YOU DON'T NEED

COMPLETE LTNE OF

Do not forgot our number—

ana

Castoria destroys "Worms.

Castoria allays Feverlshnesn.

Castoria prevents vomiting Sour Curd.

Children.

iltlRTY y*»r»' olnorrntlon of Cmtoriit with p»twnm Ot

mllliona of pgriom, permit n» to speak of it without pw««laf

It nnqneationably the boat remedy for Infanta and Child*—

the world hsi ever known. _Tt, la hurinleii. Children Hire It. It

give* them health. It wtU savo their lives. In it Mothers haw j,1

something whloh i» absolutely safe and practically perfect aa

Castoria cures PiarrhoBa and Wind Colio.

Castoria relievos Teething Troubles.

Castoria cures Constipation and Flatulency.

Castoria neutralises tho effects of carhonlo acid gas or poisonous alfc

Castoria does not contain morphine, opium, or other narcotlo property.

Castoria assimilates the foodi regulates the stomach and "bowelst

giving healthy and natural sleep.

Castoria is put np in one-slzo bottles only. It is not sold in hulk.

Don't allow any one to sell yon anything else on the plea or promise

that it is "just as good" and "will answer every purpose.''

See that you get C-A-S-T-O-R-I-A

The fac-simile signature of

Children Cry for PitcSier's Castoria.

G. BARNHILL.

Graduate of the United States College of Embalming in New fork the OrientalXlol""* lege of Bostju, Mass. and Clark Colloge, SpringQeld, Ohio." They are tho Ihrepybest In the United State*.

:0'

Funeral: Director: and Embalmer

Every grade of supplies kept in stock, from the cheapest to the most expensive.

WHITE AND BLACK FUNERAL CARS PRICES ALWAYS REASONABLE".

I am also agent for tho Boyd Burglar Proof Grave Vault. Ofllce in now Binfor 0 213 south Washington street. Residence, 415 south Washington street. JOHN B. SWANK, Assistant.

W O. SMITH

FARMEKS

is on every wrapper.

.j?

When you ride in a Livery turn-out.

staple and Fancy groceries

-AT THE-

Lowest Market Price.

"We respectfully solicit a share of the public patronage. 'Phone N. 86. Corner Main and Walnut Streets.

Have You Seen Them Yet?

The immense Bargains in Tailor-Made Clothing now being offered at

Ruben's Bates House Misfit Parlor,

OO West Washington Street, Indianapolis, Indiana.

KING OF TAILORS AND CLOTHIERS.

What we need is room for our now winter stock, and tho most effectual way to gain this room is to close out all our light and modlum-wvlRht goods regardless of cost. So dojnot ovorlook this opportunity to buy Fine Tailor-SIado Clothing for less than tho actual value of the raw material.

SEE OUR WINDOW. NOTE THESE PRICES. For $8.00 we sell a tSO.Oil Tailor-made Suit. For $10.00 w« will sell a $35.00 Tailor-made Suit.

Has ns nice ones as you want

Are invited to put up their teams at his barn, No. 121-122 east Market st. Telephone No. 98.

W. B. BRICK. ART DAVIS.

Brick & Davis,

(Successors to H. S. Nicholson.)

For $12.50 wo will sell a $30.00 Tailor-made Suit. For *15.00 we will sol', a $33.00 T.iilor-inado Suit. l'ants In endless variety, from $2,50 to $5 tailors' prices $0 to $12.

60 WEST WASHINGTON STREET.

Ruben's Bates House Misfit Parlor.

No charge for alterations to improve a fit.