Bloomington Progress, Volume 25, Number 20, Bloomington, Monroe County, 8 July 1891 — Page 4

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tak WttorlralU that Wane van varjts asdwOl eeaipiuia tha Im MlUwuitt ft sprrttnona teat. II nmino inrnans or mis wnni wa Wheat vra iwiwMt that a lUxat otiaisfa of wi1 It apt to not ft; & It attacks .w rt - i.. . " inn ths Ba fsofree is lieuisiataiisfjr airlft and Jeeil uu Hid vee moat admit the naanaltj ol laaaWlng tk mm. tW .L iS a, ma uaiMUlifc Trustee tact Btdnaaefc Bitten la aim a sanaruera The St. Albans (Vt) Jfraaenoer tells a Rood dag story. The owner of dog in thai town has a Brother wko is quite stck, living In the suborns. Daring a recent dark and stormy night he decided to tend hi dog to the brother's residence to learn his condition. A note of Inquiry was writen and given to the don his inaster opening the front door and point ing in tne direction wnica tneaog snonia take. The "messenger" trotted merrllT away, and in about one hoar and a naif returned and made his presence known by barking at the front door. The dog brooght an answer in the shape of a letter from the wife of the sick brother re plying to the Inquiry made, much to the gratification, of the hooaeaoid receiving the news. bVK. OOBOTtjr, Mgr., Claris Scott, wrttaa: 1 ana naa a nana vm a esutt, 73a. ItBtaaf The MS. Carmel fiying machine still ie f ases to fly. Instead of making a fly of ft the Machine sirs, ply scoots this way and -that; like a lame hen dodging a potato and picking np a eternal of eon attheaasM lime it s simply aaotner lauure to add to the list sMajaatdejrc W-agnar palane i a-ra In deilv ears Bataaaa taaettyof 8t,tori A-ma ne-ej iocs, ana J tnoeaaat nVflce those ran by the t so Want tne arm'e fartera. mm bTAQSHTCXXT YXSTTBTJLB XXPBX84 rauusis. raanlng areatreonming eaatr atva andBalaoa sleeewrs to Si. loois. Kaaaaf Owy. and Ooearafl Bruits. Tno dt nwt rosrta to aS points la JOaaosri. Kansas, Nebraska. Iowa. Texas, Indian Territory. Arkansas, (Monde, Utah. Wyombg. Waahlngtea. Montana, and OaHCnraia. Tor rates, routes, stays, stab, apply to any tiakatagaatec asanas t. Cauraua. and nokKAfanV City Boarder I notice yon keep a big bar of snap outside by the pomp. It' Is for the farm hands, I presume? Kara! Hostess Yes, farm, hands and faces,"--Sac York WeOOg. DtuBiunn: Interest. I done so nieerr that everr nerson wants K. I paid $6 tor my plater to Bt K. Delno Co., Columbus, phio. Why not have a good time and money in yonr pocket, when for $6 yon eaa start a MMiness ot yonr own. Write abOTOflmforBartieulars. ' Am OM M9R3K, IJttle Brother Is Boston an old city? IJUle Sister (who has been there) 'Deed it Is. Why, the streets is beat avbst doable with age. New York 1Takfv " Iwthe-Gnfdo.to Health and Eaqnette win be oand msec useful advice on both, sabjeets. this book Is sent free for two So atamps by taePinkham Medicine Co., Lynn, Two raTSlcXAKS of dinrnt KKrw,I mM. raUac over tae merits of their diverse theoIM Bjajjjaaaaaaaiaiaaaawaii aajaaaiilftat br a-.atna, na. THWttaa cut tilaTbaMi fa Ii tako a good many trials to make soma folks faitkfaL On the move Liver, Stomach, and Bowels, after Dr. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets have done their work. It's a healthy movement, .too , -a natural one. The organs are not forced into activity one day, to sink back into a worse state the next They're dcansed and regulated mildly and prietly, without wrench mg or griping: One tiny, sagar-coated Pellet is ail that s needed as a gentle laxative; three to four act as a cathartic. They're the smallest, cheapest, the easiest to take. Sick Headache, BiBous Headache, Constipation, Indigestion, BQious Attacks, and all derangements of the Liver, Hloniach. and Bowels art promptly relieved and cured jte ' " Ihavebecn agneat AatoHwi: gufferer from Aathma and severe Colds Winter, and last Fall my friends as well as myself thought because of my feeble condition, and sest distress from constant cooglxtng and Inability to raise any of tne aeeumnlaced matter from my fatngn, that my time was dose at hand. When nearly wont oat for want of sleep and rest, a friend recommended me to try thy valuable medkise. Uoacbee's ueiau Syrup.. I am coixUiHOm Bfe Almost the firet dose grave me mat relief anda gentle refresbfanr deep, such aal bad not bad Jtacweeka, Mycottgh began immediatelvhp loosen and pass ways and I found myadf rapidly gaining in bealth and weight, I am pleased to inform thee---wiac4icite4---that I am lit excellent health and do osr ttmty attribnteh to thy Boaehee'S

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DOUBLE DICK AND JOE;

The Poorliouse Waifs. BY DAVID LCWRY. JHAPTKH IV. A HBAVaW OX EARTH. Job Wonder looked down at Joe with a curious twinkle in his eye. She was such a "little mite, he said to himself. "I reekoa now you don't know much. Like as not you can't cook a later J can learn. Yon you pat blllo water round 'em, don't you? Job lanfthed outriaht Joe felt more at' home with him after she beard his lolly laugh. I won't ax any more questions. Case why? If I do, and you toll me how awful green yon be you ' see, why, I . can't have any excuse for taking you to my wife." Joe somehow began to think Job's wife was an awe-inspiring woman. ' "How old be yon?" "I don' no," "Shol so you aRI teforo. Well, I never could tell women's ages. My wife says so and she knows." Joe laughed now. "I'm more a', home judgln horseflesh. Say kin you play that thing, there?" "Yes easy. "Well, I reckon we'll got on fust rate then." Tib sure we will," Joe answered. It seemed true, too. Job Wonder pos sessed the indefinable charm that draw children and dumb animals to him. Dogs that snapped at the heels of other men and snarled let Job rang.) free. Joe looked at him furtively. As ho remembered it afterward, he recalled with a feeling of pity the' pathetic little figure beside, him ,on' the wagon-seat She looked neither toHhe right nor left, but straight ahead. Hayent you any relatives?" "Me?" The Query-startled her. "No nobody tqat ever I beard or." -All au alone oy yourself ?" Joe was silent. "That's kind o hard. Kin yon play a good tune on that thing there?" "Mot very. I can play on the 'cordlon." "The what?" "The 'cordion," said Joe,, demurely. "afe. accordion. Where is it?" "Got it la this bundle. Joe nursed the bundle as if it contained a baby. "There! Thought you. had clothes there." "So I have got my otter apron here. " "Apron 1" Job looked down at Joe open-mouthed. Yes. Didyoutbink I'd a whole suit here? Taia'tbig enough to fill a wardrobettsft?" Job shook his head. Joe's queries were too much for his gravity. He burst out laughing; he . laughed until teats ran doa -Mir cheeks, and Joe was gnxtttf offended and looked glum. "So you can play the accordion? Well. we'll have musk to the farm, anyhow, o' nights, when you get there. We will gel along fast-rate, I reckon. If you're a good girl m stand by you. mind mind what I'm saying. Job Wonder's never said one thing and did another. If my women folks don't like yon, they'llcome 'round by an' by to like you, and you've got a friend in me, mind. Bat you'll find plenty to do plenty. You wont bate no time to nlay with dolls at my house.' "Dolls! What's dolls?" Job turned sauare around and looked at hen, Ttoils why, Just dolls, of course. Every girl knows what dolls are. I never seed a girl didn't have a doll." "1 never had one never seen a doll." "Never seed a doll!" The idea was too much for Job. He looked at her, rlaaWiV Till selfT5 ta near), inn. ever seed a doll!" unconsciously. 'I say," he added, suddenly, "what else have you got hi that small panel?" Patches an' things things all tangled up, colored yarns and old buttons." "Buttons? Ton mean ribbons purty ribbons, don't ye? "Never had no purty ribbons. 'Yarns to darn my stockings. See!" She showed her stockings to him.' "Darned 'em all myself." . But Job Wonder did not look at them. He was thinking- wondering what sort of childhood it was that was ignorant of dolls and- ribbons. When he reined up before his farmhouse (them was not a snugger or more inviting farmhouse in Acorn County than Wonder's, or one that was kept in better order), and helped Joe out of the wagon-, his movements were sharply scrutinised by two pairs of keen eyes. The eyes belonged to Mrs. Jo o Wonder 'and Job's sister Ssmantha. The women's eyes took in at a glance, first, "the belongings" of the girt The second glance revealed her' disposition, age and nationality. She was fall of fire, apparently fourteen, and an American. Before Job was well out of the wagon with Joe, Samantha Wonder beckoned her sister-in-law. "Where in all the world did Job pick that crlttor np?" Samantba's tone indicated disgust "One would think he cou'dn't find her like fa Acorn County," Mrs. Wonder replied. Then the women advanced to the door. Tve brought you more help," said Job, as he entered the house. "Hero's tike makhV of a good woman, I'll be bound.' Mrs. Wonder made no response. Samantha sniffed her disapproval Job quietly took Joe's hand, and saying: "Come m show yon where to put year things, Joe, "led the way to an Inner room. When he re-entered the kitchen his sister said sharply: "You always was a master band What did you bring that girl here for? Where did she come from where did you pick hernp? "Yes." chimed in his wife, "that's what I want to know. Such a sight as she is. She hasn't anything fit to wear. " "Thai's joai why I brought her, ' "Job Wonderl Whatever do you mean?' "You've been tellln' me you had too much work I brought her to help you. "Help! That girl a hnlp!" Samantha turned np her nose In derision. Yes for to help. I brought her from Barnes viile Poorhonse, " I "Job Wonderl Have yon gone crazy?1 , "I guess-not. But I'm goin' to have my own way. She's here an to stay, ' mind. To' stay as long : she wants to. I If she don't suit me I'll stand It, I reckon. Toa'women folks needn'.t make any row about It!" "O, very well!" exclaimed Samantha, with another toss of the head. Very well, said his wife. "W ain't barbarians. We shVn't put her out. But if t went to the poorhonse aid brought a boy or girl here I'd not hear the last of it You'll be the talk of the township, Job." "That tor the whole county," said Job, snapping his fingers. Then ho stepped out to see how his farm hands had taken care of his horses, and to discuss his fans affairs with his oldest farm-hand. When he returned to the house he found Joe in the- yard, looking at the peacocks with great eyes. There were mote chickens than she thought was in the- whole world ducks, goose and turkeys strutting about The fowl made a great noise as they ran to the feed the men threw . them The peacocks and peahens were new to her Indeed nearly all that was there was new to poor Joe. "What's them?" sue asked, pointing to the peacocks. "Peacocks. Purty, ain't they?" "And them things without tails?" "Them's guinea hens." 1 never heard of them. All yours, Mf. Wonder?" Mjatiae, Sow, yp corao in wlthj

me and see it the folks hain't got something for us to eat She followed htm in shyly. There were five or sis men farm hands looking ather. For tho first time in hor life poor Joe was disconcerted. The farm hands followed Mr. Wonder into the dining-room and seated themselves at a long table. Such a table Joe never saw In hor dreams. Her eyes sparkled as she lookod over It These was a pile of bread beautiful white bread at each end of the table; such big slices, too. There were two heaped dishes covered out of sight with brown biscuit There was a large, a very large, plate with ham on It, and another with cold chicken. There were so many things Joe couldn't remember them all. Plates of butter, and honey, and fried eggs, and preserves, and pitchers of milk. And such coffee! Joe never tasted anything liko it in all hor life. Job Wondor was a man who grow tho best of everything, got the best prices

for his products, and onloyea tho very , best at his own table. "Thero can't be ; nothln' too good for us as grows It," Job was in tho habit ot telling his frlonds, whom ho ontsrtained with lavish hospitality, and husband and wife were in accord, for Mrs. Job Wonder delighted in the reputation sho had acquired of being the most bountiful of housewives. "Hero, now," said Job, heaping upon poor Joe's plato everything within reach a greater quantity than she had been accustomed to receiving in two days "yon just make yourself to home. Nobody's mindiu' yon they've as much as they can 'tend to helpln' ov themselves. You must be mighty hungry after that long ride." At first Joe only nibbled at hor dainties. Then, seeing that no one observed her, sho ate timidly; and then the odor of the viands their toothsomeness .and sweetness conquered all reserve, and she ate to repletion; ate until she felt ashamed of herself as she lookod at her plate. What seemod sufficient tor thrco meals had disappeared. "Now, as soon as you're a mind to, you can go to bod. We're early risers horo, all on us. Mebbo you're not used to It" "O, yos, 1 am. I a'lus got up at livo to the" sho was going to say Poorhonse, but she checked herself In time. "You don't say! Weil that's as airly as we'll want you, I reckon. Mrs. Wondor will tell ypu anything you want to know, "said the farmer kindly as he lit his ptpo and sat down on the back poroh overlooking his broad acros. Joe looked out in tho yard, at the chickens rustling among the trees, at the farm hands laughing ana joKing, then shyly asked the farmer's' wife if she would please tell her where she was to sleop. "Come right hero," said Mrs. Wonder, leading the way to an upper room. "If you 'want a candle, you can have it tonight nileavo this " Then.Joe was left alone in the clean white room. ' "My!" she exclaimed, "this must be like heaven!" She undressed s'owly,- very slowly, looking at the pieturo3 on the wall. Then sho looked at the bed in dismay. "Good gracious! How am I to get In there. It's almost as high as my head." She tried to climb in. and rolled backlauffhina; to herself. Then sho moved a chair alongside of tho bod, turned tho ciowes aown, ana noppea m. As she did so, she gave a littlo cry that was liko a squeal. The feathery mountain rose all around hor. She was almost buried in the soft bed. "My goodness! There can't be nothing nicer than this In heaven!" She lay thero laughing softly to herself, liko a baby crowing or crooning in its waking morning hours. Then sho became very, very drowsy, and thon Joe suddenly became oblivious to all the world. .She was sound asleep. CHAPTER V. A KAHUOW ESCAPE. When Zake Caper regained consciousness, he put a hand up and felt a lump on his head, and swore softly to himself. Then he sat up and looked about him in a dazed way. He looked at the blood on the ground and tho stains of blood on his shirt-bosom, and bis expression once "I'll kill him If I over get him in' "my" power." The Superintendent of BarnestIUo Poorhouso fairly gritted his teeth. 4ril kill him but III do it In my own time and way. I'm not the man to risk the penitentiary or the gal'ows." Ha rose to his feet, and thon discovered that his head whirled or Was It the ground? He felt sick at tho stomach, too. In short. Mr. Zeke Caper was. liko many a big, hulking brute, as soft , hard as he was accustomed to' giving his victims, he weakened. A groat, overgrown coward was Zeke Caper, like all bullies. And what made him rage in vain was the reflection that he, a sixfooter, big of limb and broad-shouldered, had succumbed to a mere boy-r-a second Qoliah brought to grief by a stripling less than David. "Curse him curse him through all eternity!" a favorite oath; "but I'll make him pay up for this." He looked down tho road. Was that somebody coming up? Yes. He could see them plainly group of men. : He advanced to meet them. Thoy proved aIm u.m. fM f,antlj ,ll . 1 m Ktna a.. ! the public nlghway returning home. When thoy reached Zeko Caper, thoy stopped to speak to him. "Yes no wonder yon look at mte The wonder is I'm horo to look at Sua thoro." He bared his head. They looked at the lump on his head, at the bloody face. Ho presented a sickening spcctacln. He was really only a trifle tho worse of tho hurt, but ho looked like a man whoso head had been pounded to a Jelly. Thon the way eke Caper groaned and moaned! It was enough' to move anyone "Who did It? Did they rob you?" "I don't know. I havon't looked. It was a boy a boy who ran away from the poorhouso. I was trying to take him bock, and ho took me unawares and thought ho bad murdered mo. It was long ago. I laid on tho road a long time." "What a dovilisU creature ho must be." "An awful bad boy did that." "Ought to be hung." "Ho will be some day." "Yes, he's bound to hang. " Those were the comments Zeko's tale elicited. "So you. belong to the poorhonse?" I'm Zeke Capor, the Superintendent" "What! tlie Superintendent! This is a mighty serious business," said one laboring man. His fellows nodded. "Which way did the boy go?" "I don't know. To Barnosville, I suppose." "He'll bo caught he'll come to grief," said one. "If wo get our hands on him, you'll got him back soon." : "I'll lot tho law deal with him," said Caper. "I'm a law-abiding man." "That's more than most of us would say with that hoad." Thero was a chorus of sympathy now for the poor Superintendent At that moment a farm hand espied a boy's head peering at them abovo a fence rail. The boy was lying on tho ground. Tho farm hand pretended to walk along 'without observing the boy, but all at once ho shouted: "Here be Is!" Instantly tho romalnder of the group ran in the direction he pointed. The boy ran as fast as ho could. The pursuers sprang, clambered over, and crawled through the fence. They separated, and were not long in heading the boy off. The man who espied him first caught the boy roughly and flung htm down. He would havo done him bodily injury in his wrath but a follow chocked his arm. "Lookout Don't you kill him. Leave that to tho law." They took him back to the road. There, with Caper glaring at him, surrounded by men who regarded him as a murderer, Dick's heart sank. For, as tho reader has Inferred, it was poor Dick. Ho felt like a murderer. He could not leave tho scone of his crime, at ho thought, and had stolen back to look at the Superintendent,

when he was surprised, first upon beholding Caper sit up, then curiosity impelled hint to remain and witness the

meeting with tho workmen. And this was the result He would be put in tho penitentiary or returned to the poorhouae. Anything was preferaoie ueatu was preieraoto to namesvine poorhouso. "What have you to say for yourself?" demanded Caper, grasptnir Dick's arm. "Nothing to you. " Then, addressing the men near him, "Take me to prison, I am ready to go anywhere but to the poomouse, I am willing to let him tell his !torv, and If the judge will only listen to mine, whatever they do will bo right That man swore he would kill me. Ho tried to murder me, and I saved my life by hitting him with a stone." "What a liar! Oh, what a liar that boy Is." said Zoko Capor, a-roantne-. "Yes, you can tell that by ioofelng at him," said ono. "See hero, matos," said one who had hitherto been silent "I'm not so sure about that How d any of you liko to livo at the Poorhouso? Was you ever In a Poorhouse?" "No, I never was. " Another and another said the same. "Well, 1 have been. I'vo been in BarnosvilloPoorhouso.and I don't liko it " "Nobody does," growlod Caper. "I guess I made you work, and it didn't suit you." "No, you're out there, Mr. Superintendent I was there he! pin' the plumbers I worked thero throe weeks, and tho way you treat folks don't suit me. nohow. You've got your own sweet will of them and you wallop 'em right and left I'm In favor of giving tho boy a fair trial. If ho calls me as a witness why, I'll go right willing, and tell all I know. "And what do you know?" domanded Capor, beginning to bluster. "Who are you that talks to mo in this way?" "There! There! You see! You hear him," rotorted tho man of spirit "That's not a patching to the lordly airs I've seen him put on. I've seen him striko old men yes I have, and women. Yes I saw this man lick a little girl thoy called hor Joe " "He was always abusing her until I took his mind off her, and then he's boon, down on mo ever since, said Dick, with fire In his eyes. Caper discovered when too late that ho had revealed his real disposition. He pretended his head hurt him, but no one pitied hint now. "Tell you what I bellovo, mates," said the speaker, who manifested an independent spirit "If he'll wash himself I've an idea he won't look much tho worse. Smear mo with blood and I'd look awful, too." Caper cursed him beneath his breath. "Look you, boy, said the man who bofriended him. "Do you want to go back with him?" "I'd sooner die!" exclaimed Dick. "Well, will we take you to Barnosvlllo and put you in jail?" "I don't care what becomes of me," said Dick, desperately. The workman talked apart with his fellows. Caper meanwhile walked homeward. Tho man turned to Dick again. "You take my advice, now. Cut your hookey. Bun. for your life. If that fellow gets you In his clutches he'll pay you off he'll do for you. If you're caught near here, they'll put you in jail; maybe send you to the penitentiary. I know what it is to havo no friends. You get as far away as you can boforo morning, and keep moving mind whatl say, keep moving. I was only blowing. They wouldn't mind what I'd say in court He'd have It all his own way." Dick lookod alert He was impressed, too, with the advice glvon him. "We'll keep quiet Nobody'!! hear anything from us. He may toll. He's likely to get his olutches on you." . "I'm very much obliged to you," said Dick. "You'll walk a littlo ways with us, so as to deceive him then cut your stick.-" This was the plan Dick pursued. When he was a quarter of a mile oa the road, ho darted -from the laborers, fled across a field, and once moro disappeared in the fringe of timber land that he had sought shelter In earlier In the TO BB COHTUtURD. HOW SOME MEN PROPOSE. Haar Different Ways, bat No Oae Ever Drops on His Kneel. "I am a crank," said the club man to a New York Tribune reporter, "on the subject of proposals. I would rather hear a story of how a man asked the woman he loved to marry him than to take a trip to Europe. I don't know why I take so strong an interest in this, unless it is that I had snob a hard time to get my wife to accept me.' I had been in love with her for years. I had proposed to her seven times and she refused me every time. Finally I went to her in despair and said: 'Well, Mollie, I've asked yon to marry me seven times, and yott ha ve declined y name. Tm going to ask you once more, and if yon don't marry me I shall go out West and stav there.' " 'Well, Jack,' she said, 'if you feel that way about it I'll marry you.' To this day she cannot tell me why she refused so often, to marry me after all. "There's my friend, Congressman X- . He -was a poor yonng man, and one day he went to a poor young woman whom he had known for a long Avne. 'Nell,' ho said, 'I have been waiting till I had enough money to get married. My salary was raised yesterday. Will you marry me next week?' " 'Wait until next month,' she said. " 'No, next week; and they were married next week. "Brown, the lawyer, was a oareless young fellow. The woman whom ho loved would not marry him. " 'You are the most reckless man in the world,' she said, 'about money affairs. When you get $5,000 in tho bank, I may marry you, if you still want me.' . "He went away and saved $5,000. She married him, and to-day he's a rich man. He learned economy while winn.'ag his wife. "My friend Colonel H enlisted at the outbreak of the war. " 'Joe,' he said to the girl he wanted to marry, 'I am going down South to fight. Will yon marry me now or wait till I comeback?' " 'Bight now, Sam,' she said, and that afternoon he marched away. "My brother proposed in a cool way. He hadn't been able to make up his mind what he was going to do in life, and one day the woman who is now his wife said: " 'Charley,' (they were second cousins), 'what in the world are you going to make out of yourself f 'Just whatever you make out of me,' he said; 'you've got lots more sense than I have, Maine.' "Has any one here any stories to tell about proposals," continued the storyteller. "I don't know of a single one where a man went down on his knees. I would like to hear of one. No one will tell one, eh? Well, I'm sorry, I like to hear abeut proposals.""There is a spot a thousand miles square in Central' Africa where there is 'neither coal, iron, wator supply, tillable soil, trees for lumber, foddet for stock, or anything else of the least value to man, and it can be bought cheap, advertised as the El Dorado ol the world, and sold for $25 afoot front. Thk population of the State oi Maine has increased only 12,150in ten years, or less than 2 per cent. Its present population is (Mil ,08(3. The stationary character of the population in portions of New England is no doubt owing to the faot that so many of the young people "go Wwt."

THE JOKER'S BUDGET. JUSTS AND YARNS BY PUN NY MEN OP THK PBSSS, Same Oeneral Effect Soma Hope fot Us A Family Bereavement A Bushing Business, tc,, Etc

SAKE GENERAL EFFECT. 'Did thoy fire Priggs t" "On the contrary, they put him out." BOMB IKM'E FOB US. We cannot all learn to write liko Shakespeare, bnt most of us, if we try hard, can learn to spell, and that was something Shakespeare couldn't do, Somervlile Journal. A KAMIIiY 1IKHEAYEMBNT. An industrious rustic went into his stable one spring morning and discovered his favorite mule in the agonies of death, he having overfed himself the night previous. "Here's a state of things, " exclaimed the disgusted,. peasant. ' 'All winter long you do nothing but feed and feed at my expense, and when spring comes, and it is time for doing a little plowing, you get out of it by giving up the ghost" The dying mule raised up his head, and said in a feeble voice : "Since you are such an ass, you should regard my death as a family bereavement," after which his spirit took Us flight. Texas Biltings. A RnSHINQ BUSINESS. American Citwen Welcome to free America i Immigrant (just landed) Please show me whero I can buy some knives and pistols. New York Weekly. MB. KOO MAKES A MISTAKE. "You have a brother, I believe, Miss Harkmsl" remarked the new admirer. "Yes. Whv?" "I have brought him a box of gum drops." "Better keep them and offer him a box of cigars, Mr. Noo. He is over forty years old." l-Mew jcor bub, KABBXED TUB OBOOK. ' Mamie kept her word, after alt "How is that?" "Why, she has always said she wouldn't marry the best man living." "But she was married to-day." -Yen, but she did hot marry the best man." HUE OF HUMAN KfSDNESS. City Girl Mr. Farmer, why don't you mllK that pretty rea ana wmie cowt Parmer (laconicallvl Si e's dry. City G irl Poof thing ; let me give her a drum of water. tlrrigation Age. A GOOD DEFINITION. "Wliat is the meaning of the word luKewurmi" asicea tne teacner. -jonn nv Human, von mav answer." "Witter is lukewarm when it looks warm nnd Isn't "Harper's Bazar. rmxosorBT vs. business. "Thnm ii a silver lininD- to everr cloud. ' said the optimist "But how vide ii dot silver lining," put in the mean nercnant nae jeweiera- circu lar. AM. AOAIR8T TUB UMPIRE. "Tl oy say there's nine on a side in a nme of baseball." mutterea tuo umpire. "but when you come to find out, it's eightesn to one, that's what it is.' Washington Post YOUTH IN OLD AGE. "That's a pretty old alligator, Iguoss," remarked one tourist to anotner as huge cayman opened his cavernous jaws and took in a young African that had recklessly venturea into tne water. "Hi may be old." returiW tbejjther, '"buVEe's' evidently gofa good deal of the boy in him yet" (Boston uourier. THE PICNIO SEASON. Oh, let us to the picnic grounds, With cakes, and pie and custard, Where hostile snakes meander 'round, And frolic in the mustard, AN AMBIGUOUS OPINION. "Have you seen my book of short storiail" "I have, but I haven't had a chance to real it yet." "Which do you prefer, my long stories or my snort onesf "ur short ones. Takes less time. don't you know, when you have time to read Jiem.' A VERY SLOW TOWN, Mias Perkins What) already sick of isackvHio, air. uoaoipnusf i tnougnt you said you were at homo wherever you mine up your natl Mr. Godolphus I am; but in this confounded town I can't find a place to haug up anything. IN BAD HUMOR. Editor's Child What's the matter with papa to-day f He's in an awful bad numor. Editor's Wife Yes. my dear. The rnfrn 1 ii r fnnnv man nf ffin ntTiA, la hIoL- - B" j v- t I and your father is trying to keep the do- . L. ' ! tt . - ., -.T lti vU'.cub guiug. juuuu lion, SUFFERING TOURISTS IN ITALY. American Tourist (in Paris) Bless my stars' How de do, Jinks! Didn't hope to met you in this part of the world Jinks Oh, Pvegone tho rounds, been everywhere. Just came from Italy. "By Jove! Glad I met you. Now tell me fiaukly, old fellow, do you think it woum be wise lorjus to go to Italy? I've got my wife' and children with ma, you KU0W1" "Kb, don't go. Go anywhere else,but do not go to Italy. You will regret it if you ao." "My ! my I So bad as that? Bui. thero are somo Ameiicans In Italy this season, are there not?" 'Y e a, some, but they are mighty glad to get away, I oan tell yon. It's awful, awful, perfectly terrible." "Goodness me! How do the Italians act?" "Oh, they act all right." "But you say life there is terrible for Americans." "Yes, tho hand organs are just beginning to play 'Annie Booney.' " TBS SENATOR'S COURTESY. Wycr Puller Yes, sir, the Senator not only received me with great courtesy, but when I was leaving accompanied me to the door. Stray Tuppendown It is pretty hard to believe about the courtesy, but I can understand his accompanying you to the door. He wanted to keep bis eye on the hatrack and umbrella stand. ins CHOICE. Proud Father (showing off his boy before company) My sou, which would you rather be, Shakespeare or Edison? Little Son (after meditation) I'd rather be Edison. "Yes? Why!" "Cause he ain't dead." A FRANK ADMISSION. "Do play much on the piano," he asked alter the had finished a selection. "I use the instrument a good deal for killing time," she said. "Yes, I should suppose you used it for that." THE FISHERY QUESTION. In the sea are as good fish as ever were caught, Bnt I doent it quite needless to state That no havoo by ma 'moogit such prize is wrougnc fm I haven't thj rq,Ult bait.

A DANGEROUS NEIGHBORHOOD. First Tramp (in suburban town) For Hiven's sake, Jake, git away from here quick er vto'U both be killed. Second Tramp Eh I What's mattei a bulldog ? First Tro'inp Worse. I just heard the man o' tlV house puttin' down carpets, an' if he "tits his finger he'll bosavagcr than a whole pack o' bulldogs. Good News. X AN INTERESTING PSYCHOLOGICAL BITUA TION. Clara (waking) Whose poem was that you've just read? Isabella Why, that was Browning's. Clara I thought so. I knew it the moment 1 foil a-ileep. A Bit AVE MAN. "Who is that intrne looking dude ovei thore?" ' 'Inane 1 How can you say so f Why, he's the bravest man in New York. He actually had tho courago the other da; to leave the restaurant without tipping the waiter. ' . AT THE CLUB. Young Cadsbore I sav, old fell, saw you at the Zoo in the Park yesterday, but you didu't ace me. Young Van Dyke Ah, indeed, which cage were you in? HIT BY A BLUNT DART. He has not felt love's power Who notes time's flight And takes lees than an hour To ssy "Good-night." THE WEAKEST SPOT, "There is one thing about the gwip," said Chappie, who was just recovering from it; "it always attacks the weakest part." "So I understand," said Miss Sharpe; "You had it all in the head, I believe.'1 f New York Press. A MEAN REMARK. Holt- You ran after the nobility when you were in England, did you! Higgins Yes. All through Europe 1 followed my motto, "When in Home do as the Romans do." I flirted in France, climbed in Switzerland, drank in Germany and posed in Italy. Holt Why didn't you go to MonU Carlo? People shoot themselves down there. Judge. HOW SHE BROUGHT HIM ROUND. Mr. Chugwater The idea of shutting up the front of the house to make folks think we've gone to some fashionable watering-place for the summer is all blamed nonsense and I won't have it done. Mrs. Chugwater (changing her tactics) All right, Josiah. I'll give up the idea. The girls need the piano practice, anyhow, and . "Boos the piano practice go with the front of the house when thoy do this kind of thing!" "Of course." "Then shut 'er up, Samantha shut 'er up." Chicago Tribune. HOW HE DID IT. Joggins How on earth do you manage to kill time, my deah boy? Owtlaito With my Club, old fellow. Pittsburg Bulletin. JAKE'li l'ATP.

" Jimpson is a littlo cracked LLuJ u' aauie pateu, is ne notr' "Yes, and also dissipated." OVERLOADED. Boy Say, mister, shall I carry yer satchel? Do it for a aimu. Dude My satchel is not heavy. Boy Well, let me carry your cane tnen. (tiooa .News. "the question of the day!" Mrs. Wistful What happy people you are, to havo six nice daughters 1 What resources for your old age I Mr. Quiverful Yes. Resources enotign t nut tne dimcnUy nowadays consists in nuaDanatng onea resources! i'uncn. THE expected happens. "Whatever became of that grey hound you had?" "Killed himself." "Really?" "Yes; tried to catch a fly on the small of his back and miscalculated. Bit himself in two." Brooklyn Life. A REAL ESTATE QUIBBLE. "This buildinsr is dread full v dilani dated. I thought you said it was in a good state."So it is. There ain't a better state than New York on the map." Truth. largest Farm in the World. Thero is a farm in the southwest of the State of Louisiana measuring one hun dred miles north and south, and twentyfive miles east and west. The ono and a half million acres of which it is made up, were purchased seven years ago from tne state ot l.ouiaiaua ana from the United States government by a syndicate of Northern capitalists, by which it is now farmed. At that time it was a vast grazing: trround for the eattle of the few dealers in tho neighborhood, there being thirty tbousaoa bend of cattle and horses upon it. This immense tract is now divided into convenient pasture stations, or ranches, the fencing nlone having cost fifty thousand dollars. Tho land is best adapted tor rice, sugar, corn, ana cotton. All the cultivating, ditching, etc, are done by steam-power, a tract of about halt a mile wide being taken and an enprine placed on each side. The en gines are portable and work a cable attached to tour ploughs, tho area ploughed in this way, with the labor of only tnree men, neing tnirty acres. Harrowing, sowing, etc., are done in the same way, and there is not a single draught norse on the estate. Horses are, however, used bv the herdsmen, who look after the sixteen thousand head of cattle upon the estate, which is traversed for thirty-six miles by the Southern Pacific Railway. The company has three stenm-boats upon tho three hundred miles of navigable waters which traverse their estate, and also Dossesses a ship-yard, a bank and rice mills. New xork Ledger. Quality of American Soldiers. Infantry, of course, constitutes tht main bodv of all modem armies, and bv the quality of its infantry an army must be judged. The capacity of Americans to make excellent soldiers was proved in tho war without a question. That hun dreds of thousands of men, most of them entirely unacquainted with the elements even of discipline and drill, were transformed in so brief a period into officers and soldiers was certainly one of the wonders of our timo. But tho material was in tho main of the best: the desire to master the new trade well-nigh universal and very strong; and there were from the beginning many opportunities for practising what had boon learned. The armies of 1862 were far and awuy superior to tho levies of 1861. The armies of 1&38 were decidedly superior to those of 1863. But in 1868 it is prob1 I . 1. 1 .... 1. .' 1 . . A3.! now muu iuq uigiieBb pouit u citwieucv was reached in both the Federal and Confederate armies in the East, and certitinly in tho Western army of tho Conftiderac v. Scribner. A Mammoth. Tank. The lamest reservoir or artificial lake in the world is the great tank of Dhelmr, twenty miles southeast or l-daipur, Rajportana, which covers an area of ii square miles; the masonry dam is 1,000 lost long by vo test high, ou test wlds tgn, ao fett ittlwtoo, I V am una ia iftt

Tha Salf.PmsBaaa Maa, Among tho noticeable persona on the train yon will not fail to discover the elf-possessed man. He is easily recognized by his rotundity of form, Ms serene unconsciousness of tho frets and worriments which make railroading a misery to the ordinary mortal, and his supreme indifference to the comfort of his fellow-passengers. Thij self-possossed man inevitably aecnrtH, by a sort of natural selection, the best seat in the car, always on tho shady side, aud manages, by the aid of his. hat, Ms traveling-bag and his Unas' Burning tact and mastership of the situation, to keep it to the end of his journey. The self-possessd man, having cabuly settled himself in the middle of the seat, with his hat upon one side and his traveling appurtenances on the other, slowly produces his newspaper and proceeds to its perusal with dignified deliberation. Of course tho self-possessed man has his window wide open, but equally of course he does not open it himself. The brokeman does that for. him, and as the brakeman clambers over the understanding of the self-possessed man to do it, the self-possessed man continues his reading with the utmost complacency and without losing a word. As the time for starting fp.iroaches every other seat is filled, bnt nobody disturbs the self-possessed man. There is something in his Nova Zemblian coolness which deters all attempts to rob Mm of his monopoly. Nobody ban the temerity to ask : "Is this seat engaged?" much less to squeeze himself in without indulging in this conventional remark. If the cold wind blows into the ear of the neuralgic individual in frjnt,or seta the valetudinarian behind to shivering, or if the cinders rush in sooty showers to the destruction of tho eyes and good temper of the passengers in his vicinity, the self-possessed man minds it not. So long as his personal tranquility was not disturbed, a rain of pitchforks or cats and dogs might dash into that open window, and he be entirely oblivions of both it and its ruinous consequences, The self-possessed man is also selfpossessed when the conductor cornea through the ear. The other, passengers, at the cry of "Tickets, please," cease their reading or conversation and go straightway to fumbling into their pockets with inordinate haste that the ticket puncher may not be delayed; the self-possessed man budges not until ho has been asked again and again for his ticket, and then he leisurely lays down his paper, advances on his pocketbook in funeral order and finally produces the pasteboard just as the conductor has lost his last particle ot patience. The sharp, short whistle wliich strikes terror to every other heart and sends every other head out of tho window, affects neither the heart nor the head of the self-possessed man. His heart beats on with the regularity of an eight-day clock, and his head, bald though it may be, maintains its level, notwithstanding the hungry fly which is boring into his medulla oblongata, or the babel of voices that is dinging into his ears. None of the major or minor incidents affect the self-possessed man in the least. If the train is ahead of time or behind time, it is all the same to Mm; if anything breaks his serenity remains unbroken ; if a man or a cow be run over, he runs over Ms newspaper as calmly as ever. If the cars should leave tho rails and be dashed down an embankment and broken into ten thousand splinters, it is more than probable, that the self-possessed man would be fonnd amidst the wreck of matter, still selfpossessed, deposited in the most desirable place and position amongst the dead and dying, himself unhurt and undisturbed, and still reading his paper in a leisurely way, unmindful of the horrors of his environment. Boston Xran8cii.pt BBONcnrrre Is cured by freiiuent anal) doaes of Plso s Cure Tor ConsumpcoH.A Doixax in the do vll" s hand 1 bUj enough to hide (he sun.

Played Out How often (his and almilar expression an fe&aid Cram tired. orerwotkeA women, and wearr, amdoua men, who do not know where to And relief, for that Interna weartnew ao ooramon and eo dUovuxatfinK wa earacetlv recommend Hood'i SaraaparilU. It Is not a lUmuUnt, bat e true tonic are4naur Butldinr np all the weak arcane In nca a war aa to be ot luuns benefit, A (air trial will oocTinoe jron ot It merit!. bT.B. Benin to set Hood's Sarsaparllla aoldbyandrncKtM. tl: forSS. Prepared oalr br O. I. HOOD k 00, Lowell. Maes. too Doses One Dollar Both the method and results when Syrup of Figs is taken; it is pleasant and refreshing to the taste, and acts gently yet promptly on the Kidneys, Liver and Bowels, cleanses the system effectually, dispels colds, headaches and fevers and cures habitual constipation. Syrup of Figs is the only remedy of Its kind ever produced, pleasing to tha taste and acceptable to the vrtorcach, prompt tn its action and truly beneficial in its effects, prepared only from the most healthy and agreeable substancee, its many excellent qualities commend it to all and have made it the most popular remedy known. 8yrup of Figs is for sale la 50o and 1 bottles oj all leading druggists. Any reliable druggist who may not have it on band will procure it promptly for any one who wishes to try It Do not accept any substitute. CALIFORNIA HO SYRUP CO. SAM MAKCIBeO, CAL, louisviiu. nr. cw roM, r. O WW Ir l AUTOMATIC UNEQUALLED i-'er Symmetry, Beauty, Material and Warkmattmhip, 3? AS FBBFBCT A PISTOL. A3 OAN P03SIBL.T BB MADS. Jf your dealer doe not A one it, saSjajjB 'send

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lECSH Of J IIFI'S DM, The entire facts connected with every case ever treated br Mrs. Pinkham are on record. With the assistance of lady clarka writing; It her dictation, over one hundred l-tters per day have been disposed of, the answers going to ladies in all parts of the world, and the facts compiled In a library of Reference for the benefit of suffering women. Far the cure of Kidney Complaints, either sex, the Compound has no rival. LYOIAE. PINKHAM ia the only Positive Cure and legitimate Remedy for those weaknesses and ailments peculiar to women. Bold by all Druggists as a standard article, or sent by mail, in form of Fills or Xozenges, on receipt of $1.00. Send etamp for Outdo to Healta and Ktiquette." a bemutiful lUnerrated book. Mrs. Pinkham freely answers letters of inquiry. Enclose sump for reply. I Lydia E Pinkham Med. Co.. Lynn, Mate. The Soap that Cleans Most is Lenox, 1 LISCEMY WIFE POZZOMl'S MEDICATED COMPLEXlOrJ powder" Because It Improves Her Look and Is ae Fragrant as violets). I Giy luiir or wfcivken ctumyed to lutM black by a atari anplkmtioa of this Djm Aw impair etttuxma color i ttrcw on receipt or pric, uqq oahm, M mau wuu oaau awv kuu osbkuv vaarwav n term nouveau rich. The gentleim very fond of relatlna-the adventuress youth, and would do so in teruisifi picturesque than grammatical. Oneil came a talc of an orchard robbery. "l dumb tne tree," said he, "a "Yon mustn't say dumb," tnterran his superior two quarters, "you . a say clamb," tho story was never finti ! OUttt MtJicint in Ik, WtrUhrtiattm, nit. is if. 'runmpiHttts js-a This article laacarvZuHy prepared poycVMuiTlBei aenpuon. ana cai been ui coniuuu nee iot eenturr. Then are fear diseases to wak& are eabject mars dtetroatlr.; thaa eore eee. ooae. peraaps. lor mtuen more remedies mn ixiea wuaous success, rorau external inssw of the eree Ufa an Infallible remedy It f tions are foMosred tt will never nu. we invite tne aneatma or pnrsicyu sale or eu aruEs-wa- Juna w k CO., Taor, N. Y. Estsmuiten an. PAID Me'Twin PAY TP"' Plain directions br which aaj boeBTjaai liegeName, Postonlee and state, fuckxUMf SLOB, aa-.-drees. ft. CeKQIMin. Waada. III. " E xXLUSTHATXD TVBIU OATIOKS, WITH IUI, deserlbtiHt afinneeota. Keens. Dakoia.ibtntans.Idsbo.Waak enn lb. KsafloT. I Wl BBS! ns.in ami uiu- eaa am -eaai vBaaaa am e rumen t and Cheap la D IUI I U MORTHFau Pacific a n SI fa Lm Ual Best Agricultural Grazing and Timber Laade caaf open to settlers. HallIFRE. address BUS. J. LalOOSH, Leal Ota, . f. K 1 l talOes. l"i .tr niaJu-s b gkb. JVuwga, M-aikiiu tttui a Hj ana srcalac tsstr ilinu laTtMCK. BlUS GO nf . CATARRHeLONaTaaS flulcWTandTmrTjniiBtl'ciiTeM , i, IV KUM.ll. A tin, I m Pal I ." inoilWlDoiiOl llrT' cure. Fo-frbmikadtlrrH.-nirhSclj THE NATL Aid IjNTISEPTIC CO.. 16 STATE ST. OiUCAOO.I B to S5 Int. per month bj harmless hareal . M1. ' 'sad no bad effsets. Strictly cpaSlsnllejL Ad no bed effects. Strictly eonft PENSION Successfully Prosecutes Claim" Late Principal Exsmtncr U. 8. IVosMn Bsrssa. S jncs la last srsr. U adjudicating claim, aosr ahem P?tisi oertei aionra - osm, all MUMIMI Vlolsablcd. K fee for Increase. 3B years eoertence. Write for Laui. A.W. McCoaMIdat at Sons. Washington. 1). C. 4 CiNcitraaWt ft rn a nn r.i I be ti-4t tn 8 uu. s ot Kttv.1 ii.i!. n, ri PATENT i waamiuctou.u, PATENTS5 Kease mention this Pep niustrstod Hand Bcok free. II. I K.1UI. sjea, WaiMuicton. sXft Paper everr tone yous 1 SlBSa i milaarrvemAYMl hvtha old leaiflSBBM dlmliii-Ujlai- mokle VlemoTretv il for It a d uothrm nav-roira ree. ddress J. C TUrrti. Waver.r, ObS. ft Treaunent. a vaiuaow mu.wsiw" Ho. S7-a When Wrltlaa to Advorttews, pleaaa ea you eever use aTsriiseoewi ta sus sjaas a REVOLVER, Safety Ban-si CilskJ Impouible to throw ate Barrel eaen was dltchvfes, 09 vat -: Utlng all kinds, etc wgwt cwroocw 55 . Beat. Kaairst to use. A cure ia canain. For

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