Banner Graphic, Volume 17, Number 45, Greencastle, Putnam County, 23 October 1986 — Page 4
A4
THE BANNERGRAPHIC, October 23,1986
Ring rolls into sewer before vows NEW BRITAIN, Conn. (AP) Everything was ready for the ceremony, and the bride and other participants were headed into the church, when a member of the wedding party dropped the ring and it rolled down a storm sewer. The wedding Saturday went on without the ring, but Peter Grip, father of the groom, wasn’t going to give up. The ring, he said, had been cast from the melted-down wedding bands of his father and mother. So on Wednesday, Grip and three city employees drained the 8-foot storm sewer, removed all the mud and spread it out in front of the church, where they painstakingly searched through it with shovels, their hands and a metal detector. After 6'2 hours of plowing through the muck, Conrad Conforto, a public works employee, held the ring aloft to applause and cheers.
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Experts: Talk to kids about sex, AIDS
c. 1986 N.Y. Times News Service NEW YORK Broaching the topic of AIDS to young children and telling them of the sexual practices that contribute to its spread is appropriate if parents are sensitive to how much information a given child can absorb, child psychologists and psychiatrists said in interviews Wednesday. The experts emphasized that there is much variation among children in their level of sophistication and understanding about such matters and that parents should wait for a naturally occurring moment to broach the topic. The experts said the topic of acquired immune deficieniy syndrome and its dangers should be part of a general disiussion about sex, which should include frankness about these dangers. “There is no arbitrary age where a child is ready to talk about sex,” said Richard A. Gardner, a clinical professor of child psychiatry at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons. “If they are old enough to ask where they came from, they are old enough to hear about sex,” he said. “Some 3-year-olds can understand it, while other children don’t really until they are 7 or 8. And it is not a one-time conversation; in different ways, you may need to go over the same topics with the same child at
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different ages. And AIDS and its dangers should be part of that discussion from the start.” Candor is the best approach, but that does not mean going into more detail about such topics as drug use and anal intercourse than a child is ready to hear. Carol Lewis, a clinical psychologist in the child and adolescent division of the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey, who is the author of “Listening to Children,” said, “Telling a kid about the dangers of contaminated needles is pointless if he doesn’t know the first thing about drug use.” Children may benefit if a parent’s candor makes them mildly fearful of the risks of sex, such as AIDS or unwanted pregnancies, the experts said, but parents should be cautious about instilling too much fear.
Dear Abby
Older woman polite to hubby's girlfriends
DEAR ABBY: By nature, I’m a very courteous person, but how far should a person go in observing the rules of courtesy? My husband is retired but does part-time work. When he’s not working, he leaves the house anyway to spend the day with one of his young girlfriends. (Saturdays and Sundays, too.) He’s sometimes gone for two or three days “fishing.” Although this hurts me deeply, I’ve come to realize that this is the lot of many older women, so I take it in my stride. I become enraged when a female voice calls our home and says, “May I speak to your husband?” I feel like ripping the phone out of the wall, or telling her to go to h—, and slamming down the receiver! But instead, I politely say, “One moment, please. I’ll get him.” Then I dutifully call my husband to the phone. One of these days I’ll probably blow my stack. BREAKING DEAR BREAKING: Go ahead and blow your stack. It would be much healthier, and far more honest than practically giftwrapping your husband for his girlfriends. To calmly tolerate treatment that hurts you deeply instead of expressing appropriate anger, hurt and frustration, conveys the message that this blatant infidelity doesn’t bother you. So, forget courtesy, and let off some steam. And the next time your husband goes fishing, pray he doesn’t catch anything he can give to you. * * * DEAR ABBY: Re the 14-year-old girl whose parents gave her permission to invite two boys and another girl to their house for an evening unsupervised only to come home and find the boys in their liquor cabinet: Abby, curiosity and experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex are at an all-time high between 14 and 16, and parents who leave children this young alone, unsupervised, are asking for trouble. It’s only natural for kids to take advantage of an unguarded situation. I’m not saying
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Gardner said: “It’s like telling a child that if you smoke you may get cancer. A realistic fear is healthy, but don’t create morbid panic.” In talking with a child about AIDS, a parent can be as explicit as the child’s level of mental understanding allows. Lewis said, “To a 5-year-old I would say that AIDS is a very bad disease you ca get if you use drugs or hape sex with someone who is infected, assuming you’ve told the child about sex.” “At 10, you can be more explicit, talking about using condoms for sex and the dangers of needles, for instance,” Lewis added. “And to a teen ager you can be very explicit, talking about details such as body secretions and vaginal and anal tearing.” Rebecca Cohen, drector of clinical social work at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago and co-editor of
mA >
Abigail Van Buren
that children this age do not know the difference between right and wrong. They do. But they are still immature and will often make childish choices. The 14-year-old girl left the boys alone for a few minutes while she was visiting with her girlfriend in another room, and the thought of the boys getting into her parents’ liquor probably never crossed her mind. Instead of telling the girl she shouldn’t blame her parents for not trusting her, you should have told her that her poor judgment was an honest mistake based on inexperience, and her parents used poor judgment in leaving her in a situation that she was not prepared to handle. Set it straight, Abby. KATHY P. IN N.Y. DEAR KATHY: I think you did, and very well. Read on: DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of three, ages 15, 23 and 26, so I speak from experience. It is inappropriate for parents to leave four teen-agers home alone for several hours, with or without a liquor cabinet. I am also a volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center and I know that the majority of teen-age pregnancies occur in the home not in the back seat of a car. CONCERNED IN RICHMOND, VA. * * * DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from “Caught in the Middle,” the young man whose fiancee (Betty) smokes at least a pack a day, but has never smoked in the presence of his parents because she knows they disapprove of smoking.
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“Parentng,” said: “Children around 6 to 8 are not cognitively developed ready to understand the various forms of sexual practices. Telling a 5-year-old about condoms, anal intercourse and tainted needles is not going to serve the purpose; that can just be part of the climate of hysteria.” As a general approach, the experts advise listening to what a child is actually aski g when a topic related to sex is brought up and answering the child’s questions along with adding the information about AIDS. Children in kindergarten and the lower grades now hear lectures by law-enforcement officials and others about the dangers of going off with strangers, some experts pointed out. In the same way, alerting them to the dangers of AIDS early in life may serve to help them avoid the risks should they encounter them later, the experts said. Gardner said: “It’s perfectly appropriate to discuss sex and AIDS with a child as young as 5 to 7. But young children do not relate to the topic so well; sex seems strange to them. If that is the child’s reaction, just say, ‘You may feel differently one day,’ and leave it at that, until the topic arises again.” Parents should be alert for natural opportunities to bring up the topic, or parts of it, from time to time, the experts advised.
Abby, how naive can Betty and her man be? His parents already know she smokes! If not, there must be something wrong with their sense of smell! Cigarette smokers smell like cigarette smoke. It’s in their hair, their clothes, their books, their automobiles, and if you go into their homes, the scent of cigarette smoke is everywhere! I agree it’s childish for Betty to try to hide it. It’s also impossible! THE NOSE KNOWS DEAR ABBY: Before the furor dies down on nursing homes (granted there are many good ones but, unfortunately, a few rotten apples have soured the whole barrel), I submit the following: I was a very close friend of a poor, itinerant preacher. He became very ill, and toward the end he was placed in a prestigious nursing home by some well-to-do friends. In his dotage he asked for a wedding ring and a Parker pen. To satisfy his whims, I brought him both, neither of which I bought at the five-and-ten. The next time I visited him, both items had mysteriously disappeared. I promptly replaced them. The replacements also disappeared. I complained to the staff. Nobody knew anything. Later, my husband was dying in an expensive religious-oriented hospital. At the end he was comatose, but he clutched a small golden crucifix, a small red and gold Bible, and a suede-bound book the “Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam” all family heirlooms that I had brought him when he could respond only by touching something familiar and precious. When he died, I went into shock but returned to his room a short time later. The family heirlooms were not there! They were nowhere to be found, and haven’t been seen since. Tell me, Abby, who would steal a golden crucifix from a dying man or a wedding ring and a Parker pen from a broken-down preacher? I know times have changed, but I’m not banking on it, and if I ever check into a nursing home, I’ll take nothing with me except my dentures, a ballpoint pen and a Gideon Bible. STUNNED IN THE BIBLE BELT